Sitting In The Dark

A few days ago a certain colony member (who will be left unnamed, ahem) decided that he no longer needed to adhere to the Colony parents rules about electrical sockets.  You know, the ones you begin teaching your children as soon as they become mobile.  Ya'll, sometimes I think our kids gain a year of life and somehow begin forgetting some of the basic rules of survival we began teaching them when they were first born.  Like, shirts and shoes in cold weather will keep them warm (shocking, I know!), eating a healthy meal will mean you won't be hungry 10 minutes after your meal (again, earth shattering stuff here), and wrestling in the living room and running around in circles with a multitude of children in the house will always, always result in tears (Josh may or may not still be learning this one too).

*sigh*

Anyway, it lead to what COULD have been a huge deal (like a burned down house!) but thankfully God had other plans.  However, we WERE left in the dark for a couple of days until I could make it out to the hardware store and replace the damaged cord and guide it to a different electrical socket (because "electrician" does NOT fit into this Colony Mom's job description).

This problem affected the lighting in our dining room, which is where we eat our meals, do school, sweeping and mopping, homework, crafting with friends, sweeping and mopping, dinner with friends, reading, writing, and oh, did I mention sweeping and mopping...we basically spend a huge majority of our day here at this table and in this room.  The other issue is that the dining room light also provides light into the adjoining rooms of the house to help brighten those dark areas.  So on cloudy, rainy days like today we were forced to relocate to a brighter area in the house, away from the darkness and shadows, and into the light that could illuminate Areyna's math problems and Jude's dotted lines for school.

The thing is, we hadn't really thought about the lighting in this particular room until it was gone.  When we first relocated our dining room table to this particular area we had to figure out how to lighten the room bright enough for us to see our food at dinner.  But I had a plan for lighting by the time we actually made this move, so we never really felt the effects of the lighting dilemma...until now.

The darkness of our home over the past couple of days just so happened to coincide with a darkness that came over myself.  Once again I found myself in a mental battle, fighting for light and truth.  Reciting Scripture and an attitude of prayer are the weapons I have prepared for times like this.

Me and a couple of my brother-in-laws are memorizing a large chunk of Scripture together.  The words in the chapter I am on have NOTHING to do with mental illness, depression or anxiety.  The words are not about His closeness, or standing strong.  They don't speak on how He does not slumber because he is watching over me or His beautiful plan for my life.

But they are words of Truth.  And these words of Truth shed light from the actual source of them, and then pour into the source that lives within me.  They are words of the Story that God is writing and He promises that its utterances will never return void.  And because I know how this chapter ties into the rest of the story, I also KNOW with all my heart that He DOES draw me close, He IS my keeper who does not slumber, and He DOES have a beautiful plan for my life.

The source of the light is always there, inside, I just can't always see or feel the result of it.

Depression and anxiety hardly ever give notice that it is coming.  All of a sudden the darkness just comes sweeping in like a wave, carrying its victims out to sea.

Don't be caught off guard until one day you are just sitting in the dark.

Live out the truth in the light so that when you ARE in the dark you know what to do.

A Walk In The Park

I went to go grab some socks out of my bin so we could go on a walk to the park today.

Apparently I waited too long to do laundry (again) because I didn't have any.

It's a good thing Rainy has the same size (within a half of a size) foot as me.
And it's a good thing she was generous enough to share a pair of clean socks with me.
And it's a good thing that I don't have any issues with wearing mis-matched, tie-die socks,
because that particular kind was my only option, ha!

This means two things:

1. I care very little about my own personal fashion
2. My daughter is growing up

Both of which can be good or bad depending on the way you look at it, lol.

Josh and I didn't realize the gem we had when we moved into this house over 7 years ago. The trails that connect to Rolesville Park are practically in our backyard and I can't even count the hours we've spent running/walking/scootering/pushing strollers/pulling wagons/adventuring in those woods and on those trails.

Today we spent most of our time back in the deepest parts of the woods looking for hidden trails we've missed over the years.

Sometimes when I'm in these woods I take for granted the utter beauty that is right in our own backyard.  But not today.  The last 3-4 days have been mentally very dark days for me, but this morning I woke up and that dark fog had lifted, bringing a fresh motivation for beauty and life.

(I have also realized I have a love affair with old red barns.

Or maybe it's just old things in general.)

Today I'm overwhelmingly thankful for the sunshine, the gorgeous weather, the lifted "fog" and the treasures we can find in our own backyard.  But most of all, I'm grateful for my keeper who never slumbers, but instead keeps my foot from being moved, even on the darkest of days.

"He will not let your foot be moved; he who keeps you will not slumber."

Psalm 121:3

Colony Mom Picks ~ Workout Faves

My parents used to call me "gnat" because I was so fast and would literally RUN everywhere!

I ran "track" in elementary school and really enjoyed it.

I tried my hand at basketball, but never really got the hang of it, because, well I could never remember which basket was my team's basket and then I found out that you can't technically be referred to as a basketball star with only 1 3-pointer under your belt in 2 years (and yes THAT basket was in MY own basket, ha!).

Then I found soccer.
Well actually, I found I guy I liked who was trying out for the soccer team in high school and he lived down the street from me and if I tried out for the girls team I could give him a ride home.  Yes, I was THAT girl!

Somehow I made the High School Varsity team as a freshman.
And the team was REALLY competitive and good.
Although I was NOT.

But I had speed in my favor, and the fact that I liked a good battle scar from slide tackles and snatching the ball away from the other team gave me a huge rush!

I moved my way up through the ranks on the team and actually got pretty good as my excellent teammates (and coach) rubbed off on me and I picked up on their techniques.

I even got a soccer scholarship which helped put me through college.
After college I played on a couple co-ed adult leagues until I found out I was pregnant with Rainy.

Josh and I also cultivated our young relationship through the hills and trails of Greenville, SC.  There is something to be said about a couple who can workout and sweat together.

All that to say, exercise and staying active have always been a pretty big part of our lives.

Now, more than ever, I use exercise as a way to manage my anxiety, but finding time can be really difficult.  That is why the way I workout is less about a "fit body" as it is to stay healthy and to release  endorphins.  I also believe that I can find time for the things that are important to me, and the times where I consistently lack exercise are the times I simply don't make it a priority.

I very frequently get asked what I do for my workouts, so I thought I'd share my workout faves.  I try to workout at least 4 times a week, if not more.

1 - Beachbody videos are my favorite.  Specifically T25 and 21 Day Fix Extreme.  I prefer Shaun T over Autumn any day, but I love both workouts.  They are only 25-30 minutes long and high intensity so you are getting a great workout in a manageable/realistic time.

2 - Jogging/running.  Going for a jog looks a lot different these days.  I typically have at least 1 kid with me at all times so having practical expectations is key.  I have it good though, because Jude LOVES to get on his scooter and go for a jog with me.  He clocked nearly 60 miles with me last month alone!  I can also get some miles in during nap time running laps around my house.  And Josh is really good about letting me get out for a run to escape clear my mind:)

3 - I also use yard work as a workout outlet.  Push mowing our yard will give me over 3 miles and if I jog while mowing it makes it even that much more effective;)

4 - I have tried LOTS of different protein shakes but my favorite is Garden of Life Raw Protein and Greens.  It is safe for the whole family and it is packed with protein and veggies!  I buy it off of Amazon.  It is cheaper (which is a HUGE factor) and packed with more vitamins, minerals and protein than all of the other shakes I've tried.

5 - These hairbands are my favorite to keep the flyaways out of my face.

So there you have it.  Nothing fancy and I'm not paying a fortune for a gym membership, which also releases endorphins for me, ha!

A Moment Shared Under The Trees

Several years ago, on one of the many mission trips I took to Uganda, I found myself out in a remote village with my team.  Our clinic had been underway for several hours and I was trying my best to mingle among the mothers and ladies who had come.

I veered off away from the crowds to walk down the hill toward the local village.

After a while I found myself under a tree with a young mom who had followed me from the crowd.  She had a couple of kids of her own and was also caring for some family member's children as well.

She didn't waste any time getting to the point of her intentions.

She did not ask for food.
She did not ask for money.
She did not ask me to take some of the many children she was caring for because she simply didn't have enough to feed all of them (this, unfortunately, is not uncommon).

She spoke not one word of greeting.

She did, however, recite this verse.  A verse which I have clung to my entire life as someone who fights against worry and anxiety on a daily (sometimes hourly) basis.  But there was something about the way she said it.  Especially after realizing that she didn't have a copy of her own Bible to help her memorize these words.

One baby wrapped around her back, another clinging to her hip, tears soaking the front of her dress she spoke these words:

"Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life,

what you will eat or what you will drink,

nor about your body, what you will put on.

Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?

Look at the birds of the air: 

they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns,

and yet your heavenly Father feeds them.

Are you not of more value than they?"

Matthew 6:25-26

Then she looked up at me with complete belief in these words while innocently asking how God could make such promises and not be providing food and clothing for herself and the many little humans left in her care.  She was broken but honestly seeking insight into these words she had just spoken to me.

We just sat there, holding hands and crying.

I had no answers for her and couldn't even pretend to.

We prayed together and then it was time for me to go.

I believe every single word of the Bible is TRUTH.

I believe every single promise in the Bible will come to pass.

So how can this mama (among so many other hurting and hungry in the world) be clinging to this HOPE, this PROMISE to their graves?!

I have wrestled and battled this question for years.

I have these verses hidden in my heart and pull them to the forefront of my mind when we have a bill due and the money isn't there (yet).  I recall the words and promises within these verses on highly anxious days, KNOWING that God is my provider, that HE's got this, that HE is in control...

...but part of me questions it because of that tear-filled moment under the tree with this woman in Uganda.

I decided to dig a little deeper into the words of this passage to get a better mental grasp of the context of these words from the Holman Commentary series.

You almost have to go back to vs. 19-24 to grasp the whole picture.

Jesus is teaching the people how to be fully devoted with total commitment.

And (one of) the fruit of this commitment is His promise to care for us.

Weber writes, " Our commitment to him and his commitment to us go hand in hand."

Furthermore, our Heavenly Father has our days numbered.

Worrying about a single one of these things will not "add a single hour to his life".

When we are fully committed to God, and His Story,

when we see our lives as PART OF the bigger Story of Christ,  

which is SO MUCH BIGGER than ourselves,

we can see the silver lining.

He will continue to care for us because we are so valuable and loved by Him,

but one day our story will end BUT GOD'S GLORY WILL CONTINUE, 

and He will cease to need to provide for us any longer because we will be with Him in eternity.

Sin has wreaked havoc on mankind, but God's Sovereignty overrules it all in the end and, despite the hunger and hurting and war and diseased, He still comes out victorious!  

Weber's interpretation of vs. 27 has been comforting and freeing to me as they sink in:

  

"If you try to take your basic provision into your own hands, 

you will find you do not have the power over life and death.  

Only God has this power, and he will sustain you as long as his plan intends."

So while I am still living and breathing, my God, help me rest in You, my provider and sustainer.

May God be glorified through it all, even when it doesn't make sense.

Meal Prep - a little motivation and a brand new system

Meals are one of my anxiety triggers.  I know, that sounds so silly, but I'm just being completely honest.  Trying to keep our pantry stocked and my family fed is a never ending process.  And then there is the trying-to-figure-out-what-to-eat-for-dinner question that always makes me feel panicky if I'm not prepared.

I grew up with a full-time working mama who made it a priority to feed us well.  We spend many nights eating crock-pot dinners in the teacher's lounge after a long day of school and activities.  She taught me to grocery shop in bulk and plan ahead.

And I was pretty good at it for a while.  I remember sitting on the front porch with my notebook and recipe box planning out our meals every month.  But then we kept adding kids and life just got in the way.  Feeding my family healthy home cooked meals is still a priority for me but I neglected to be proactive about it so it became a constant struggle and stressor.

So when my friend, Magan, posted a photo of her meal-prep day last month it triggered some pretty good motivation.  She is a full-time teacher, wife and mommy to two.  She HAS to be on top of her game in order to get her family fed and her budget in check.  Her post was just the motivation I needed to get my butt back into gear and figure out a new system for this large family that never seems to get full.

So with her fresh motivation and my mama's example I think I figured out something that will work for my family in this season.

1 - I grab my calendar, my computer (because Pinterest) and my menu board.

2 - I list out the next two weeks (that is all I can wrap my head around, plus our budget will only allow for 2-weeks worth of groceries at a time).  I write if it needs to be a quick fix or crock-pot night and then place the weekly traditional meals on my list so I know that those are already covered (i.e. homemade Pizza/Movie night)

3 - I only have a  handful of recipe cards that we use now because the internet has completely taken over.  But sometimes I find it's hard to find my favorite recipes.  This is where Pinterest comes in handy.  I create a board for the month's meals.  That way I know exactly where to go for my recipe each night and I only have to sift through a few to find it.  After I use it I move the recipe to my other folder for "Cooking Repeats" or nix it if we ended up feeding it to the chickens because it was a recipe #fail.  (but of course that NEVER happens, ahem).

4 - I write the meals in the appropriate slots on my calendar (with a note as to where the recipe is...cook book, card or Pinterest) and add the next weeks meals to my menu board for easy access.

5 - Next I get two grocery lists going.  One for the big trip to get the ingredients to put the meals together as much as possible beforehand, and then a list for the next week to get the final ingredients or produce we might need for sides that might not keep in the refrigerator for two weeks.

6 - Go shopping.

7 - Come home and do as much prep for each meal as I can.  That means prepping the meat, ziploc bagging up the ingredients to throw in a crockpot, mixing spices with the meat for swedish meatballs or prepping a side such as cole slaw.

So far this system has been a HUGE stress relief when it comes to dinner.  I KNOW what I'm making each night, I have the biggest prep work done and with minimal prep time during homework/piano lessons in the evening we have much happier hearts all around.

Passing Notes Under The Door ~ A story of a #ColonyMom meltdown and the kids that loved her through it

Setting: 4:30pm 

(the witching hour - ie. mom is tired and in need of a break while the Colony is hungry and in need of a meal and their quickly approaching bedtime.)

Mom: Jude don't throw that...

Areyna: Alethia won't let me have the...

Mom: Jude DON'T THROW THE...

Cai: Ahhhhhhh! MOOOOOOM, Jude just threw the...

(why does he ALWAYS have to throw every stinking thing!)

Mom: Baby, I know. Jude, no NO!

Mom: Girls, will you please come and unload the dishwash...

Zeke: AHHHHHH! MOM, JUDE IS PULLING MY HAAAAAAAAAAAIRRRRRR!

The Girls: Ah man. The dishwasher agAIN?!

Mom: JUDE. No, no baby! Stop pulling Zeke's hair.  Let go.  LET GO!

(takes Jude to the room to give him consequences)

I come out to crying girls, fighting boys - I've lost it.

I'm done.

I am no longer capable of being a good mommy at this point.

DONE.

I stomp down the hallway and slam my door.

Locking it behind me.

Sitting in the chair to stair out the window and pout.

Then I hear a crinkling under the door.

What in the WORLD do they need from me now?!

"BE STILL. Calm down"

 He knows this is my year's mantra and something I have been working on:)

Ok. that is sweet.

Now leave me alone.

More crinkling under the door.

Oh brother.

"I love you mom. Even when you are anxious."

 Ouch.

How does he know how anxious I am?

They NOTICE when I'm falling apart and not parenting in love but in anger?

Hmmm...

More stuffed paper under the door...

"You are the best mom ever." 

Oh wow.

I've acted TERRIBLE!

TERRIBLE!

and he still loves me and just wants his happy hearted mama back.

By now I'm sitting against the door and can't grab Zeke's sweet little love notes fast enough.

"Pray to God to help you."

 I quickly begin to cry out to the Lord.

For my bad attitude.

For my precious kids.

For my tender-hearted Zeke who GETS ME.

Who get's this out-of-control mama moment, because we have guided him through his own meltdowns.

"Read the Bible"

 By now my sweet Zeke is guiding me through the steps to calm down and get my heart back on track.

"You are awesome"

...and then brings it around to encourage me! 

"Shhh, Shhh, Shhhh"

 This is when I typically come in to sit with him and rub his back, give him some gentle kisses and prepare him to enter back into the family activities.

After reading these streams of notes I walked outside, called a family meeting and apologized to my kids.  Of course they were so gracious and offered immediate forgiveness.  Because that's just the kind of kids they are:)

But I wasn't done.  I asked them to help me walk through the past 30 minutes or so.  I asked them to think about what happened and tell me some of the things I did wrong.  I told them I was wrong and then we walked through the appropriate response that SHOULD have occurred.

What did I get out of this whole thing?

It's never too late.
It's NEVER too late.
You can always make it right.
Even when you screw up in the worst of ways.
Ask for forgiveness.
Accept that forgiveness.
And then mentally walk through the steps to handle the situation correctly next time.

I'm thankful for kids that understand grace and forgiveness, even when it is undeserved.
I'm thankful for a God that lavishes his love and grace on us, because it is never deserved.

The Generation That Instigated Social Anxiety

I believe there are truly people who are born with anxiety issues.
Believe me, I'm one of them!

That being said though, I also believe that this generation, with social media and self-serve options bombarding us at every corner, is feeding into the very thing that seems to be trending among young Americans today.  We are becoming anything BUT social, hiding behind our screens so we don't have to actually make a phone call and talk to a real voice on the other line or heaven forbid, go out in public and make eye contact with other people.

I talk about my anxiety triggers often because I believe that if I can at least target those consistent triggers (sometimes they are less conspicuous and completely unpredictable), then I will be able to stop the anxiety in its tracks or at least minimize its paralyzing effects.  After lots of thought, I realized that one of my main triggers is computer time or screen time.

I'm not saying YOU can't handle all the different social networking and options for messaging, but I know my limits and I am learning when I need to step away.

For example, if I'm reading a recipe off of the computer I am way more likely to snap at my kids in the kitchen than if I am reading it off one of those cute little recipe cards with the picture of the chubby chef in his fat white cooking hat taking a steaming hot loaf of fresh baked bread out of the oven *sigh*.  See, just talking about it gives me a smile and a slight skip in my step:)

Or if I'm writing a hand-written letter (have you ever gotten one of those?  Ah-MAZ-ing, right?!) I am way more prone to giggle along with my kids antics than if I'm trying to reply to an email or a Facebook message.

And then there are the constant texts that come streaming in on my phone throughout my day, demanding to be looked at, glanced at, read, replied to, and that's not even mentioning trying to find the perfectly appropriate Emoji that goes along with the banter back and forth.

And the "push notifications" that tell me every time a person "LIKES" something I post or comments about how cute my kids are or how awesome of a person I am, because I like to post the better parts of my day over the ugly-cry parts or the not-so-good mama moments.  Those aren't so picture perfect (although I do try to keep it real).

So this past week I let it be known to most of those around me that if they truly needed me they could call me, I wasn't going to be keeping up with texts.  Yes, pick up the phone and CALL me.  And I would, in turn, actually answer my phone (instead of panicking when it rings and quickly turning it upside down to deal with it later).  Long before last week Josh and I had made a decision to take the notification sounds off of all texts so we don't hear the constant sound when texts come through.  BEST decision of my life!  But I was still noticing myself checking my phone way too frequently to see if I had any texts (it's hard with your family is out of state and half-way across the world!).  And seeing as my kids were starting school and I was about to start a whole new life with just one child and changes scare me and give me anxiety (another trigger!) I decided that I didn't need to add the texts to my anxiety as well.  I decided to use my phone as a, well, PHONE.

I wasn't tied down.
It was so freeing.
I didn't feel as though I missed out on anything.
I felt like I had the control, not being controlled.

For me, I am seeing a downward spiral toward a society of people so addicted to avoiding real-life people that they are actually anxious around them (me included).  From the drive-through worker who we only have to say "thank you" to or request "more ketchup please", to the ATM machines so we don't have to interact with a real banker, to the self check-out at the grocery store.

Fight the machine, don't let it dictate your personality!

Pick up the phone and make those phone calls (I prefer to do it first thing in the morning when I am ready to conquer the day).
Be spontaneous and meet a friend for coffee and leave your phone in the car or in your pocket book.
Keep posting those pictures of your sweet babes, but make sure that you drop them by to play with mine (I'm still working on getting out of my house more often, ha!).

Colony Thoughts on Essential Oils - Part 1

Oh Essential oils.

The "magic" that is supposed to happen when applying these oils to different parts of the body sounds too good to be true.

But the more I learn about them

and the more my friends teach me about them

and the more I see the first-hand results from them

the deeper in I get.

I am FAR from an expert on them, and I don't think I'll ever know all that I need to know, but I am now a HUGE fan!

I've been getting lots of questions about them so I am going to answer some of the top questions I get in this edition of Colony Thoughts on Essential Oils.

What brand of oils do you use?

I mainly use Eden's Garden essential oils and LuSa Organics.  I have several friends who are DoTERRA representatives as well as several others who sell Young Living essential oils, which are also excellent oils as well.

I love the Eden's Garden Essential Oils.  Not only is it excellent quality but it is affordable.  Our family couldn't do essential oils using many of the other brands because they are so pricey.  That being said, you can often find oils much cheaper on Amazon, so I'm not just partial to the Eden's Garden brand, I'll look for the deals too!  

Let me know if you are interested in DoTERRA or Young Living and I'll put you in touch with a representative for those wonderful oils!

Which oils should I get?

The first oil I got was the LuSa Organics Sleeping Potion blend to help my overly active children calm down and sleep.  And, YES, it works!

After a while I began hearing more and more about the benefits of essential oils and started doing a little more research (and heeding the advice of super smart friends) and purchased Lavender, Lemon Peppermint and Tea Tree (Melaleuca).  I'd also suggest finding a "Four Thieves" blend from a trusted brand.

I have now slowly weeded out just about everything in our "medicine cabinet" and switched to the alternative essential oil "medicine".  I can't remember the last time I actually gave my kids medicine or even took them to the Dr. (hello NO co-pay!)  I take that back, I gave Jude some Pepto last week, but it didn't do much and switched to a ProBiotic and  then a peppermint/ginger blend for his terrible tummy. And after 4 days on this regiment I am happy to say that Jude's tummy is FINALLY back to normal!

Start simple and work your way up.  You don't need tons of oils for it to be beneficial!

How often do you use them?

Every day!

Literally!

And it only takes a few drops at a time!

I diffuse them throughout my house all day and I'm constantly rubbing something on somewhere, ha!

What do you use them for?

Literally everything.

Tummy aches

Motion sickness

Muscle aches

Headaches

Migraines

Stress

Odor/Scent

Gas/Bloating

Hormone balance

Anxiety

ADHD

Eczema

Washing off produce

Making homemade cleaners, skin care products, laundry detergent, etc.

Acne...

You name it, there's probably an oil for it!

What are your favorite blends?

These are some of the Eden's Garden blends I use, but you can find the equivalent of these in many other brands as well.

FOUR THIEVES ~ natural immunity booster

HEAD EASE ~ for headaches

RESTORATION ~ a digestive remedy for tummy issues (I just got this one and am excited to see how it works)

CLEANING ~ I make a lot of my own cleaning solutions with this.  I also like to diffuse it after I spent a long day of cleaning.

STRESS RELIEF ~ one of my absolute FAVORITES to diffuse throughout the day!

CALMING ~ calms nerves and mental stress

BREATHE EASIER ~ helps to combat cold and flu symptoms

EXHALE ~ helps with respiratory issues

PMS EASE ~ hormonal balance and easing PMS symptoms.  I diffuse this in my girls' room every night, ha!

PEST DEFY ~ to make my own bug repellant 

*I've heard WONDERS about Young Living's M-Grain for migraines as well!*

If I use essential oils will I stop getting sick?

Well, not exactly.  But they will help with prevention and aid in a quicker, more healthful recovery.  Added with proper eating exercise and chiropractic care your health will be drastically different!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I had so much to write about that I decided I needed to divide it up into segments.  So make sure you come back for more information like recipes to make your own blends and switching out your own medicine cabinets!

DISCLAIMER: This information is based upon my own personal research, information, and experience:)  In fact, I have since (actually about 6 months after this post was written!) switched almost exclusively to Young Living Essential Oils.  I know that they are safe to ingest so I only use YL for my allergy blend that I ingest every day and for major medicinal purposes.

A Miraculous Healing

I'm in the middle of another great book.
(I just can't help myself, ha!)

One of the sections is about a young man named Jordan, who moved in with another family for health reasons.  This particular family truly believed that a positive, biblical attitude could do wonders for the soul, and overall health of an individual, so when Jordan would walk around with a frown or self-pitty because of his declining health he was asked to leave the room, because the father of the household didn't want this negativity to effect his own children.

Jordan slowly began training himself to look at everything as a blessing and thanking God for even the little progresses in his health.

When he moved in with this family he was literally on the doorstep of death, so when he would have relief from his symptoms for even one hour he began thanking God for his healing.  He gradually began to realize that healing doesn't have to always mean a 100% recovery.  For him it was a minute-by-minute thing, and he was going to thank God for even than 1 hour of physical healing, knowing that the symptoms and pain would most likely be coming back, but knowing that his Creator had a plan and He had granted him that even one hour of relief.

This past weekend has been wonderful.
My anxiety has been near non-existent.
It has been the best feeling in the world.
Not that the kids didn't argue over Legos or squirt each other in the face with water guns or grumble about what was for dinner...no, that would mean I was dreaming;)

No, this was different.
A stressor was JUST a stressor, not something that raised my heart rate and blowup.
Laughing was abundant.
The little things were JUST little things, that were kept in perspective.

I remember thinking to myself, "This must be what it's like not to have anxiety!  I wish I could be like this EVERY day".

In turn, Zeke was having an exceptionally good Sunday afternoon.  He was compliant to correction, obeying with a happy heart, being patient, helping his siblings...and I can't even count the number of times he told me he loved me last night:)

While we were getting ready for bed he stopped and looked up at me and said, "I wonder why I feel so happy today?  I feel so happy and have a lot of energy! I wish I could be like this EVERY day!"

Out of the mouth of babes, I tell ya.  That is my sentiment exactly.

And then all of a sudden I remembered this part of the book that reminded me that Zeke and I had, most definitely been healed from our anxiety.

Maybe not forever, but for yesterday, and for me the following two days before.

I turned to Zeke and said, "Zeke, I don't know what has given you such a happy heart today, I hope it stays around for along time, but right now, God is allowing you to have this great day, and so we need to thank him for taking all those other feelings away.  Even if they come back tomorrow, TODAY he has taken them away."

A few minutes later I saw him praying in his room, literally thanking his Creator for his healing.

I may be ridden with anxiety tomorrow, or even this afternoon for that matter, but today, RIGHT NOW, I am healed, and for that I am thankful!

Communication Is For More Than Your Marriage

Communication

One of the most important aspects in my relationship with Josh.

We've come a long way in our communication since we first met (We could sit in the same room, alone, and not say a word for an hour ya'll.)

A L-O-N-G way!

First, I've had to realize how I communicate my fears, anxieties, frustrations, irritations...
Then I've had to learn how Josh communicates these same situations...

all for the sole purpose of learning to communicate TOGETHER in a way that creates a sort of harmony.

Now that I'm a mom I am realizing just how important communication is with my kids too.

Especially in the realm of my anxiety.

The word, "anxiety", is no stranger around the colony household.

I've learned that being open about my anxiety and its triggers not only helps me (isn't it just so freeing to be able to say out loud that you are on the verge of a freakout!), but it allows my kids to see exactly where I am at at any given time.

Key things I feel are important to communicate to them as I parent through my anxiety:
I want them to know that...

• God has made us just the way we are
• He doesn't make mistakes
• sometimes God allows us to go through things that are difficult, but He will ALWAYS walk the difficult paths with us if we allow Him to
• life isn't always easy
• we can't always control things, even our emotions
• emotions are a good thing, but they can be like a wild horse if we don't learn to control them
• we are NEVER too old to say "I'm sorry"
• just because mommy is having a bad day it doesn't mean that it is because of anything THEY have done

I don't feel like I can over-communicate to them how much I love them and how sorry I am when I lose my temper and let my anxiety or panic get the best of me.

I also think it is only fair to let them see where I am at any given point.  Today, in order to redeem yet another "snow day" at home with a Colony full energy, excitement and "creative" ideas, I made a Mom-o-Meter to indicate where my anxiety level is.  They can look up there at any given time to see where I am mentally, and what they can do to help this mama out.

Most of the time my kids are very sensitive (especially Zeke) when they see the level rising and are more than willing to comply to what I am needing from them.

If you struggle with anxiety and panic attacks, don't try to hide it.  It will only exacerbate the onset of symptoms and, in many cases, will leave the kids wondering what they have done wrong.

Friday Free-For-All

Today is the first day in a long time that I haven't felt like I'm in a haze.
My mind is clear and focused.
My heart isn't racing for no apparent reason.
My fingertips aren't going numb and my legs don't feel like Jell-O.
My anxiety has vanished, just as quickly as it came storming in.

Deep breathes.
The silence isn't consuming.
The storm outside isn't depressing.
Contentment is here.

Nothing has changed.
But that's anxiety.
Sometimes there are definite triggers that set it off.
Sometimes, a lot of times, it's just nothing.

I have a dear friend who sent me a bunch of quotes about anxiety and depression.  This particular one has sung true for me...

"I yearned to get better; I told myself I was getting better. 

In fact, the depression was still there, like a powerful undertow. 

Sometimes it grabbed me, yanked me under; other times, I swam free."

The season on Lent is right around the corner.  I have a friend who is working on making So Much Bigger Than The Bunny into an ebook.  But for now, if you are interested in buying it you can go HERE.  Make sure you download the songs that go along with it HERE.

With the kitchen done(ish), the dining room complete and the living room finished (I'll post pictures of that later) I have decided to take a break and just enjoy what we have accomplished so far!  It's kind of nice to have those painting projects under out belt.  I can't wait to redo our countertops in the kitchen and fix the flooding issues in the basement:)

I had another idea for the ColonyShop.  A charm bracelet called "The Ebenezer Bracelet".  You can add different charms to it to signify key moments and monuments that God has brought you through.  Each disc would stand for something different.  Maybe it's just special moments you have walked through like the birth of a baby, your wedding day, the day you got saved, or a season marked with hurt or pain that you found yourself tested through.  Who wants to be my first test subject!  The bracelet with 1 charm will be $10 and then add an extra dollar for each additional charm/memory.

Ok, this rain is making me tired so I gotta get up and move around a little bit.
Happy Friday ya'll!

Inappropriate Panic

As a child who struggles with anxiety, Zeke has inherited my "gift" of abundant tears.  Any number of things can bring on the waterworks on any given day, no matter how hard we try to hold them in.

I am getting better at controlling my emotions in my old age, but Zeke is still learning.

When he begins falling a part over little things like Cai looking at him the wrong way, or a missing shoe, or the Lego car that fell resulting in a missing missile, we calmly tell him, "Zeke, those are inappropriate tears".

We're trying to teach him to logically think through the real reason for the hysteria and talk himself off the ledge with reason and perspective.

But did you know that a lot of us live in this realm, and most of us don't even know it!

Sure, you may not cry over every little thing, but you hit the panic button on life, causing you, and everyone around you, to dive into scurry mode.

I'm reading a book called "The Time of Your Life" by Susie Davis.  It is an excellent read! (I got it for $.01 on Amazon BTW).

The chapter I read today was titled, "the trap of inappropriate panic".  Boy did it hit the mark on women of this generation.

We tend to hit the panic button from everything to straightening up the house for a guest to trying to get out of town for a "fun" family vacation.

Not only are we creating an unpeaceful environment for those around us, but we are "training up a child in the way he should go" and that way is completely inappropriate!    For example, if my kids see a stressed out mom all the time, where every little thing is cause for scurry and panic, they will think that it's normal to act that way and most likely fall into those same unhealthy patterns as an adult.

Susie asks us the question, "Do you leave your hurrying and scurrying for real emergencies or do you live in the hysterics of a tornado lifestyle, driven on by a skewed perspective."

If we live life in panic mode, and then wonder why we are stressed out all the time, we could probably use a hefty dose of perspective...and maybe we could ask someone to remind us that "that is inappropriate panic" to help talk us off the ledge:-)

Fake It 'til You Make It ~ when it's more than just a choice

Sometimes, actually A LOT of times, joy is as simple as CHOOSING to be joyful.

choosing to stay focused on Christ
choosing to bounce your thoughts
choosing to see the positive
choosing to be grateful
choosing not to wallow in your personal pity party

It's a choice in the way you respond to the hand you've been dealt in life by the ONE who knit you together.

But for some of us, there are days, weeks, even months, where the inner peace and joy are much much more than simply a choice to "stay positive".

The choices for focus and gratefulness and thinking only on TRUTH are made, but sometimes that gut anxiety continues to linger and grow.

I have a mental list I go through when seasons like this come on.

Some of these are my own personal triggers that cause an onslaught of feeling overwhelmed and anxious.  Others are things that can bring feelings of accomplishment (even if it IS just getting a shower in that day) to keep one foot in front of the other to simply get through the day.

waking up on time for a quiet time - if I allow myself time to "wake up" and mentally prepare for the day and surrender my focus to Christ BEFORE the kids get up I tend to feel more prepared for what may come my way

exercise - exercise does way more for my mental health than my physical well-being

getting a shower - yes, that's right!  Get your butt out of bed and freshen up.  A shower can make the world a much brighter (and less smelly) place;)

getting dressed - get your butt out of those yoga pants you've been wearing all week, and get into some REAL clothes.  Don't hate!  I love my yoga pants just as much as you other women, but give it a try!

fixing hair - Yes, another one.  Can you tell that your appearance can really affect your self-esteem and mental health?

eating all my meals - so often my meals get skipped or forgotten in the frenzy of spill clean-ups, refills and "I'm still hungry"'s.  I wrote an entire post on this one day:) I can ALWAYS tell a difference if I've skipped a meal.  More than my stomach begins growling, if you know what I mean.

drinking plenty of water - you may think I'm crazy, but drinking plenty of water helps in a HUGE way!

limiting caffeine and sugar - same with limiting too much caffeine and sugar.

This list is not a cure-all for my days filled with unexplainable anxiety, but they at least help me get to the hope that is tomorrow.  Thank God for those new mercies that are promised to come in the morning.

Friday Free-For-All (and the longest run-on sentences in the history of mankind)

This time last week I was balled up in a corner, hiding from one of my best friends, who I intentionally locked out of my house, who had been called in as a reserve from my husband (I know it was you!), who was out of town (in NY for 5 days), because I was so overwhelmed that I couldn't talk on the phone (phones give me anxiety anyway), and kept ignoring his phone calls (sorry baby), and definitely couldn't talk to someone face-to-face (she still left me a sweet fall scented candle on my doorstep, so she still loves me:)...and then went to a HUGE event at our church full of games (tons of games), people (oh so many people), food (which was nice because food makes things so much better), candy (way too much candy), gospel presentations (which I uncontrollably cried through because I was SO proud to be part of a church who loves on our city and church body the way they do), my 5 kids (yes, F.I.V.E.), by myself (in a sea of people which also causes high anxiety), and tears (always tears) just WAITING for the right time to come flooding out (always perfectly timed), on my other friend's shoulder (sorry for the tear stains on your shirt), just because she said that I was an awesome mom and she didn't know how in the world I do it...

Man, I'm glad I'm not in that place anymore.
I'm pretty sure if I had to go much longer like that I would be balled up in a corner in a nut house!

Days like that are hard.
Man, they are hard.

But I'm not there today.

In fact, it's Josh's day off (praise the Lord) and he took the two older (Alethia and Cai), of the younger 3 (Alethia, Cai and Jude), to eat lunch at school with the older 2 (Rainy and Zeke), and the youngest of the 5 (Jude) is soundly asleep, and I'm sitting here (just me) wondering what in the world I should accomplish during this rare moment of peace and quiet (fold laundry, get a shower, catch up on emails from my kid's teachers that are piled up in my inbox, unload the dishwasher), and all I want to do is sit and enjoy this rare moment of peace and quiet...

and maybe write a blog that is full of the longest run-on sentences in the history of mankind.

But it's Friday.
And Friday is family day.
And this family day is chilly and dreary and WONDERFUL!

So I'm off to sit on my couch, staring out the window, as I sit in my jammies, unshowered, and enjoy this rare moment of peace and quiet.

Happy Friday ya'll!

Focusing On The "Don't Have's"

Part of the anxiety and OCD curse that Zeke and I have been dispositioned with is that our minds get stuck.

This is normal for just about everyone at some time or another, but is exacerbated for someone who struggles with anxiety and/or OCD tendencies.

Yesterday the zipper on Zeke's book bag broke.  The handle came completely off and the zipper itself was stretched out so that it wasn't able to be fixed.  That meant that he needed a new book bag.  This would be the most awesome thing for any other kid, especially since we are that family that doesn't get "new" things until our original thing no longer preforms it's intended purpose.  Our kids are using their same book bag from last year and they were fine with that.

In fact, they were SO fine with it that when I went to pick Zeke up from school yesterday he was coming "unzipped" himself (see what I did there?;).  He couldn't handle the fact that everything he knew about book bags had just completely fallen apart.  That his security in the familiarity of his bag was no longer going to be familiar.  He was literally beside himself.  Panicking with the thought of having to "start over".

He just wanted what was set in his mind.  His expectations for his bag were to last forever.  Even after finding the exact same Batman book bag (in black instead of gray), he simply could not get over the fact that he wanted his old, familiar book bag.  Even though something SO MUCH BETTER is now within his grasp...a BRAND NEW shiny book bag!

He is slowly coming around, but what a battle of the mind.  To let go and will himself to be grateful for what he DOES have and letting go of the past or unrealistic expectations of the present.

Hmmm...can you see where I'm going with this post?

How many times do we sit around and mope and complain about all the things we feel like we are entitled to?  All our unrealistic expectations, all while preaching the provision of God and how He knows what is best for us.

If we truly believe that God has our best interests in mind when creating our life journey, don't you think that we can praise Him, even when our expectations are not met?  Even if the outcome of certain situations is different than we expected?  Most likely there will be something SO MUCH BETTER right within our grasp, if only we can let go of what we always thought our lives would look like and grab ahold of the plan that God has already laid before us.

Talking Myself Off The Ledge

One of our Colony family rules is to "always tell the truth".

You know what though?  I've found that this simple rule, when applied to my anxiety, can make a world of difference.

When I have anxious days, and there is no apparent trigger or reason for the anxiety, I have to continually recite Philippians 4:8 over and over to myself throughout the day.

Because let's face it.  Anxiety is wrapped around fear.  Fear of forgetting something.  Fear of the "what if's". Fear of the potential news coming from the phone call or email.  Fear of not getting something accomplished in time.

And fear is wrapped around lies, distractions and deceit.

Many days I talk myself off the ledge by reciting this simple verse:

"Finally brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, 

whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, 

whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, 

think about such things."

Philippians 4:8

This verse is the tool God has given me to combat the rising anxiety that brings me to the ledge.  And that is one of the most praiseworthy things to reflect and meditate on.