Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Permission Just To Be

Seriously, can this kid get ANY cuter?!
I had a really motivating and creative post on the tips of my fingers today.  I was going to write about how we were getting through this triple-digit heat during track-out.  I was chalk full of fun ideas and positive parenting moments (maybe that post will come later)...

but then this week happened.
Actually, it's ONLY Wednesday night!
The week hasn't even finished happening yet and I'm already waving the white flag!

The first three days of this week have been filled with putting out sibling brawls spats, trying to tame the beast of a toddler little monster named Jude, cleaning up mess Annie's Gold Bunny and toothpaste concoctions in the bathroom after mess apparently running water in stopped up bathroom sinks for the Lego guys to swim in is  acceptable after mess I now know that my toddler can open sealed essential oil and that fennel smells like licorice for days and melts lego pieces together, trying to instill grateful hearts while pointing out greed and unthankfulness, and still trying to keep a happy heart in the process...

all while Josh crams in final reading and writing for his Monday deadlines for school, on top of his normal work load for Journey.

I am literally about to lose my mind!

For some reason, though, I feel like I'm not allowed to post these kinds of things, because I might have a reader who is a woman unable to have children and she might think to herself, "What I wouldn't GIVE for a day of putting up with sibling rivalry or cleaning up pee stains from the carpet.  This mom just isn't grateful and can't even see the blessings she has been given."

But believe me, I see the blessings.
I see every last sweet, cuddly, sinful, heart-melting, disobedient, chocolate chip kissing part of them.
On a daily basis.

And I'm here to tell you that it's been ONE OF THOSE days weeks.

I'm not saying that we should be allowed to complain about our unruly children, but within limits we should be free to just be.

Free to be authentic
and open
and raw

Free to accept the crappy days and feel pissed off at the sin that ravishes these little humans, knowing full well that we are right there with them, as sinful bigger humans in the same fight against the flesh.

Knowing that we can't stay frustrated.
No, we have to keep pushing through.
Putting every ounce of faith in the promise that each morning brings new mercies (praise the Lord).

But we have to be allowed to just have a hard day.

I was talking with a friend of mine who is in a literal fight for her health.  She was in the fog of treatments on a particular Sunday, not feeling really well at all, but knowing that the fog would most definitely lift within a few days.  She had several friends and acquaintances come up and ask how she was doing.  One particular lady friend very genuinely asked how she was doing and so she gave a little more detail than the "I'm alright" or "hanging in there".  She was just recounting her weekly journey and how this was close to the day she would finally get out of the "fog".  She wasn't complaining or stating anything to portray that her life was terrible because of this trial she was walking through.  But you know what that woman's response was?  "Well, when my kids are having a hard day we play the 'glad game'."

The "glad game", where you try to recount all of the things you can be happy about.


Aren't we allowed to just have an off day
or a bad day
or a downright crappy day
and just say it out loud without the "glad game" police coming around demanding that we find all the things to be happy and thankful for?

Just because we are having one of "those days" doesn't mean we think God has forgotten about us, or isn't stretching us and molding us.  It doesn't mean we are being ungrateful and unable to see beyond the struggle.

I know it's all a matter of the heart and the attitude.
I really do.
And I know there is a very real temptation to get stuck on the negative and the circumstances and the season...

But today I'm going on record saying that I have had a pretty crappy week.
I'm grateful for the little blessings wreaking havoc on my mental state;)
I'm even grateful for the lessons I have and will continue to learn through this process.
But that doesn't mean that I'm not ready to have a different kind of day!
And it certainly doesn't mean that I have to pretend like it doesn't hurt.

Growing hurts.
It always hurts.

And I am now giving myself permission just to be.

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