A way to write out my feelings.
But more than sifting through the mess of my own "feelings", it is the accountability of writing out the TRUTH that I'm needing to remind myself of, because I am needing a LOT of reminders this week.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Josh is in Israel this week.
The trip of a lifetime.
Walking the roads that Jesus walked.
The Bible has always been so much more than God-breathed words on paper,
but now...now those words are coming alive to every one of those people on the trip as they read the Bible in the very place where it took place.
It was a trip that I was supposed to be on WITH them.
At the last minute I had to pull out of the trip.
To be a mom.
To advocate for one particular child of mine, struggling in some pretty major ways.
Instead of the temple mount, I have endless blanket forts.
Instead overlooking the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I am overlooking the Superhero domain lining my couch cushions.
At first I felt totally confident with my decision and the choice I made to stay behind, but I would be lying if I said that I haven't wavered at all. If I hadn't wished it all away, believing that I DESERVED this trip.
I can say all day long that my job is "the best job ever". And that "I would do anything for my kids", and that "it isn't a sacrifice to love them and give things up for them."
But I'm going to be brutally honest here.
I have had to fight hard this week...
not to give into the pity party that is bubbling right under the surface trying to steal my joy.
to enjoy my kids on these endless snow days.
to parent consistently when the episodes that plague my sweet boy come rushing in.
to remember my calling in life right now, my mission field.
to remind myself that being a mama comes with sacrifices and that I GET to do this mama job, a job that some women would LONG to be able to do but are unable to do for one reason or another.
to truly be delighted for the others on the trip and their experiences.
to consider my own experience this week as just that, an experience, as a chance to show my kids how much they mean to me and that I really am in their corner cheering them on (even when my plans have changed).
We don't get to choose when God will incline us to draw the mom card (or whatever other card it is that turns our lives upside down).
That card that gets drawn at the most inopportune times.
That card that means sacrificing way more finances than we even have on-hand.
That card that means we have to forego a once-in-a-lifetime experience.
That card that interrupts our whole life!
But we DO get to choose our response to it.
We can choose to sulk and play the victim card instead of the one God dealt for us.
We can give into the irritation and the short temper, or the denial and the blame...
or we can choose to join God in the play he has laid out for us.
At this very moment I don't have what it takes to be the joyful, full-of-life mommy my kids need,
and maybe you don't have what it takes either..
But God does.
Choose HIS plan.
Call on the name of the Lord.
He is my strength and portion FOREVER!
"My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."