Man Your Post

We always find ourselves here.

Here in the kitchen.

One of us will inevitably be trying to distract ourselves with mindless activities like sweeping up endless crumbs, mopping stubborn sticky spots off the floor, or scrubbing the leftover pots and pans from the meal that was just consumed.  The other one of us somehow always gravitates toward the corner countertop; out of the way but close enough to be involved.

Both of us are participants.

Usually the one mindlessly moving around is the processor.
The speaker.
The one who needs the hashing out, the listening ear, the voice of reason, the outside perspective.

The one propped up on the corner countertop is the listener.
The person who mans this spot has a deep responsibility to hear the other person.
They must ensure that the other person is feeling validated and affirmed, with truth ever on their lips.

But this post holds an even more important role.
The role of prayer.
In order to allow the other person to feel heard, while still being the voice of reason and truth, the Holy Spirit must be invited into the conversation.

Knowing when to speak and when to listen, when to give advice or shut up, is key for one of the most important rules in marriage communication taken from James 1:19:

"let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger"

And without the Holy Spirit, this balance can be tricky at best.

After all the crumbs are up, sticky spots are gone, and the dishes are airing out to dry is when the other post gets manned.  The stool comes out of its hiding spot from the far side of the refrigerator and placed adjacent to the corner countertop.  All the busyness and distraction are gone.  It's just the two of us.  We can easily make eye contact and gage body language.

Communication can be such a difficult thing in the midst of difficult seasons, or tough days and situations. But it HAS to happen.

Find a safe place.

Neutral ground.

Eye contact.

And invite the Holy Spirit into the equation to help navigate the conversation.

And a large pile of dirty dishes never hurts either;).

When You Are Living Shoulder-To-Shoulder

Several weeks ago someone asked Josh and I if our relationship/marriage was more face-to-face or shoulder-to-shoulder.

After thinking a lot about that question we both agreed that it depends on the season.

Of course we want face-to-face interaction all the time.

We want it to be the norm.

But that's just not realistic 100% of the time.

When you have a family with children tugging on your pant legs or another one needing uninterrupted help with homework.  

When there is a very demanding season at work.  

When life is life and won't slow down.  

When the necessary to-do's continue to pile up.  

When friends and family are in crisis.  

When your teenager is in the far country.

When sleep is short and days are long.

All of these things interrupt the face-to-face time that is necessary for a healthy marriage.

After Josh and I woke up from a difficult night of taxing responsibilities we finished another typical morning marathon of packing lunches, feeding a Colony a dozen and a half eggs (and two boxes of cereal...and oatmeal and toast and...these little humans would NEVER stop eating if we didn't make them!) for breakfast, and making sure all of these Colony kids were properly dressed in cold weather attire (because we WILL get notes home from teachers), Josh wearily looked at me and said, "Babe, we're in a shoulder-to-shoulder season."  Then he kissed me gently while saying his 'I love you's' and smiled as he grabbed his keys and walked out the door to go to work.

Our shoulder-to-shoulder looks something like this lately:

Josh is knee deep in his doctorate program, we have begun the holiday season, the kids are about to track out (which means end of quarter and holiday activities at school),  not to mention the holiday scurry at Journey as we prepare for Christmas services and activities.  Oh yeah, and we have 5 kids...and 6 chickens...and extended family...and friends who we love...all dealing with their own things...

But just because we are in a shoulder-to-shoulder season doesn't mean that it has to be spent doing things separately.  

Here are a few things that keep Josh and I on the same page, even when we are tag-teaming life, activities, projects, kids and even discipline.

1. Keep Communicating - Sit down and go over a busy week (or day, or season) ahead of time.  I know for me, if Josh is going to have late meetings, rehearsals or school work, I am much more respectful of his demanding schedule if I know what to expect.  If I am going to need extra help with the kid's school activities, or homework I need to let Josh know what I am expecting of him.  How are we ever going to know what each other needs unless we communicate our expectations to each other.  Reminding each other that we are on the same team, all along the way.
2. Stay Connected - this means exactly what you think it does;)  Make sure you are intentionally still being intimate.  Don't allow a busy, hectic, or stressful season keep you from being with each other. There is something irreplaceable about this kind of connection.  Schedule it in if you need to, but make it happen!
3. Find Time To Laugh (or at least smile) - It's completely okay to laugh about the dinner that got burned because you forgot the sweet potato fries baking in the oven (which has NEVER happened to me) or browning ground beef on the burner (nope, not spoken from experience) or boiling rice on the stove (ok, so maybe I have a problem being distracted multitasking while cooking)...lighten up a little bit and get those endorphins pumping.  Sometimes the only way to make it through a stressful time is to try not to make the not-so-important things...not so important. Because there will be plenty of time for seriousness during a shoulder-to-shoulder season without you crying over spilled milk (literally).
4. Parent Together - Keep each other up to speed on the kids so consequences will be consistent, highlights will be praised and so the kids know that mom and dad are in this together. Don't allow them to play you against each other during this season.
5. BONUS:  For goodness sakes, grab each other's butts every once in a while!  A simple little squeeze goes a long ways.  Oh, and make sure your kids see it, because if they can see that mom and dad are still okay, then they know that life is going to be okay, even when they can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.  Plus it'll initiate the long-awaited eye contact you've been waiting for and maybe even a smile or giggle.

Shoulder-to-shoulder seasons aren't the most fun to be in the middle of, but make the most of them and remind each other that you are in fact, in this together, even if you don't get to do each part of it together.  And that "this too shall pass."

If You Love Me Then Prove It ~ KITW

When people first fall in love it is usually because of a multitude of things, but one of them is for sure because of the actions of the person they are falling in love with.

I love to HEAR my husband and kids tell me they love me, but there is just something about the actions that are the overflow from that love. On the other hand, if I don’t SEE any actions or fruit from those words I could easily begin to question those words.

Each of my kids have gone through an “I love you” phase. It is really cute. I remember when Areyna...{Read more}

Re-post: Biblical Submission

My friend Jessica asked me several months ago if I would write about biblical submission as it pertains to marriage.  Well, luckily I already have an entire series that I wrote back in 2010 after having the privilege to speak on this very topic.  I thought it would be worth reposting (and re-reading).  I will re-post Part 1 and link to Part 2 and Part 3 so you can make sure you can read it all:)

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I kept getting asked to share what I spoke about the other week at Oasis Church concerning Biblical Submission. We were really bummed that the podcast crashed during the message and that we couldn't just link it, but I'll try to reenact it in Q/A form (leaving out many illustrations for time sake) over the next few days.

Here goes...

Q: "How would you, as a Christian wife, describe the implications of Biblical submission as described in Ephesians 5?"

A: Let's face it, submission is a touchy subject and if we look at Ephesians 5:22-24 as a stand-alone passage it really looks demeaning to us as women and wives. Like we have no self outside of our husbands. But like any other subject we have to weigh it with the rest of Scripture as a whole and see what the rest of Scripture says about it which is exactly what we are going to do today.

Q: "Why do you think that the idea of Biblical submission is usually interpreted so negatively in today's society?"

A: "Well-behaved women rarely make history." This is actually a bumper sticker that I saw on the way down here this weekend.

We as women want a voice, equality, strength, importance and a chance to make a difference and with a single glance at this passage we feel like our chance has been taken away. Our society has led us to believe that if we don't "step up like a man" then we won't be heard, like we've lost our significance.

The western world tends to view submission in a corporate mentality, though, instead of the way God intended for it to be, which is a mutual submission.

This generation is missing the big picture, the beauty of Biblical submission. The submission outlined in the rest of Ephesians 5.

Q: "Can you give us some practical everyday examples where you have had to, or someone may have to live out Biblical submission?"

A: This was hard because, again, I myself, was trying to think of examples where I do what Josh tells me to do. This is the default mindset that we have to deprogram ourselves from thinking. Instead, I found examples where we communicate together to biblically submit to each other while seeking to submit to God's ultimate authority.

Here are a few examples I came up with off the top of my head:

Our career - When Josh came to me and told me that he felt lead to embark on a new journey in ministry together I was a little nervous. That would mean no consistent pay check and the loss of any sense of structure and stability for our family and everyday life. But I trusted that Josh heard from the Lord and believe that God has placed Josh as the leader of our family so I submitted to him and here we are.

Finances - Money matters are one of the leading reasons for divorce. Realizing that fact, when Josh and I were getting ready to get married we made a commitment to each other to communicate openly about purchases. We decided that if any purchase is greater than $50 (besides groceries or things like that) we would discuss the purchase and weigh its importance together to see if it is a wise purchase.

Clothing - Knowing that visual temptations are a huge struggle for men, I try to run my outfits by Josh.  We are up on stage in front of people ALL THE TIME and I would be foolish to think that I could just wear whatever I wanted to. Now, that being said, Josh does not pick out my clothes. I think we all know that I probably wouldn't go out much if that happened, but I do run things by him. If he thinks something is too short, or too low-cut, or too sexy (he did interject here and specify that sexy is TOTALLY alright with him;), just ONLY for him!) then I will change my clothes. I must admit to rolling my eyes every once in a while, but I know that Josh knows way better than I do about the struggle that men have and I want to help out in any way I can.

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Click the following links to read the rest of the series on biblical submission:  Part 2     Part 3

Making HIS Word the Last Word of the Day - KITW

It’s the beginning of the year.

2015

I can hardly believe it, even after writing it out.

If you are like me you spent the majority of December re-evaluating what worked and didn’t work in 2014 as well as praying about what the Lord wants to teach you through a renewed resolution to live for Him.

But I’m not one to make a long list of things I want to change anymore. I love lists more than the average person (obsessed is a better word, ha!), but over the past few years I began to see a pattern in my New Year’s Resolutions. The same things would be on my list year after year, until about 3 years ago...[Read More]

31 Ways To Keep The CRAZY Out Of Your Marriage This Holiday Season ~ A Challenge

Oh the holiday season.
The hap-happiest season of all.
Right?!

Except for the stresses that seem to accompany so much of that hap-happiness.

memories of a sad holiday from the past, shopping for the perfect gift(s), wrapping, parties, missing people who can't be close this year, class presentations, church programs, community outreach, traditions that can't be missed, food that can't prepare itself, obligatory relative visits, holiday drama, the greed, the lack of finances to get it all done, spending the finances that don't exist just to get it all done...

It makes my heart race just thinking about it.

And what is the one relationship that often suffers when we get stressed?
The relationship closest to us.
The relationship with our spouse.

So I decided I'm gonna step it up this year and I want you to join me!
Because it's the holiday season and stress is inevitably going to rear its ugly head, I am committing to love on my bae every day, even if I don't feel "in the mood."

Here's the challenge:  

• Download and print off the chart HERE.
• Place it somewhere you often look so you won't forget but preferably somewhere your hubby won't see
• Choose an activity a day from tomorrow until Christmas (or if you start later you could just go right on up until the New Year)
• Take pride in checking something off a list, even if it's not the bon-bons that are complete, or the 4th child's BIG present that was purchased
• Watch your man smile, it'll feel even better than checking something off of that holiday list

You will see the activities listed below in a little more detail because there really isn't that much room in those little squares on the chart and I tend to be a little wordy, ahem.  I'll have to "code" some of them on the chart and you may need to look back here often to figure out what I'm referring to.

Alright, here it goes....

1 - Write a lipstick message on the mirror (make it flirty ladies!)

2 - See how many times you can squeeze his bootie throughout the day before he turns his frown upside down

3 - Text him an encouraging message sometime between lunch and when he gets home

4 - Pray for him in the morning and then tell him how you prayed for him

5 - Bring his coffee to him in the morning while walking like you are going down the runway at a fashion show

6 - Warm up his towel in the dryer while he is taking a shower

7 - Give him the most passionate kiss while he is walking out the door to work.  Neither of you will be able to get it off your mind for the rest of the day.

8 - Pick on each other's cute little habits that you love (this is NOT the time to bring up things that BOTHER you!)

9 - Try to notice something he regularly does around the house and see if you can do it for him before he can get to it. *For example - I'm pretty good at regularly washing our bathroom towels, but not so good at replacing them, so actually replacing the towels would be huge for my man!  I feel the need to embellish on this for a second though. It's only because I hate to use the brown ones in our bathroom because they don't match and we only have one set of gray ones and I can't have mismatched ones, and we have a slow dryer and sometimes the kids get home from school and dinner has to be made and bedtime comes and Josh is walking around with a wet face and hands searching for a towel before I even realize I forgot the dryer went off...what can I say, I've got issues...)

10 - Write a love note in his parking spot with sidewalk chalk that he can see when he pulls in after work.

11 -  Text a selfie to him and tell him you can't wait until he gets home.

12 -  Plan an at-home date night.  We love these!  And if you have a Colony like us you really can't afford not to have these, right?  You can save dinner until the kids are in bed.  Watch a movie or play a game.  Get creative.

13 -  Give him a shout-out on social media about an amazing quality that you admire and respect.

14 -  Stick a love note in his briefcase, or in my case, a guitar case, so he sees it sometime that day.

15 -  Initiate intimacy at an inconspicuous time.

16 -  Try to remember one of your fondest memories together and remind him of it.

17 -  Put the spatula down, look him in the eyes and sincerely ask him about his day when he walks in the door.  Greet your man when he gets home for goodness sakes!

18 -  Go by his office just to deliver a kiss.  If your schedules don't allow it, send him a virtual kiss.

19 -  Slip a list of his top 10 qualities on his dash that he will see when he gets in his car.

20 -  Every time he pops in your head throughout the day, tell him.  You could call and just say "I was just thinking about you" and hang up, or just text him every time.  I promise he'll love it!

21 -  You remember email?  Well, write him a sexy (or sweet) email that he'll find the next time he's bogged down with cleaning out his inbox.  What a pleasant surprise.

22 -  Choose one day not to argue.  Just one day ladies.  If you feel the urge, just "shake it off" and move on.  I understand it is very difficult to live with some of your men, but do it for them, just this once...I actually just prayed for you right now.  I believe in you!

23 -  Hold hands as often as possible throughout the day.

24 -  Figure out what his love language is and apply it.

25 - Give him a special stocking full of fun things for the two of you.  You can wait to give it to him  on Christmas night or find another quiet evening to give it to him.  I'm pretty sure he'll enjoy it whenever you give it to him.

26 -  You'll have to be proactive on this one.  Write him a LETTER.  You know, in the mail.  You might need to google the address and figure out how to address an envelope again, but it'll be fun.

27 -  Leave Post-it notes all over the house for him.

28 -  Ask him what his favorite meal is and attempt to make it for the family that evening.  You read that right, at least attempt it.  You can laugh about the disaster together over pizza if it doesn't go as planned.  It's all about making memories together!

29 - Kiss him like you mean it.  Every time you kiss your man today.

30 -  When he gets home allow him to unwind for a few minutes.  Try not to give him any honey-do's until he has mentally entered back into the "family man" from the "business man".  If it doesn't happen today then let him off the hook.  Just today.  You get to check something off YOUR list by giving him grace on HIS.

31 -  Find a night to make out in front of the Christmas tree.

OK, my list is done.  Let's get to printing, checking off and loving our way through this holiday season:)

Fighting For My Marriage: Book Reviews Of Current Reads

I have been inundated with marriage books lately.  I'm not sure why they have been falling in my lap over the past couple of months but I'm not complaining.

I just finished up a book called, For Women Only, by Shaunti Feldhahn.  Wow, what an eye-opening, excellent book.  Most of the contents of the book I had known already, or at least had heard of, but the thing I loved about it is the fact that it gives scientific facts and data that back it all up, as well as multiple studies and interviews by men of all ages and walks of life.

I'm telling you, if this book doesn't rock your world and give you more compassion, love and respect for your husband, and the other men around you, I don't know what will!  I would encourage EVERY woman to read this book.  It's not only for the married woman, but for the singles out there as well.  It will give you some much needed insight into the lives and mentality of a man that will help you support and encourage them, as you walk beside them on their journey for purity.

The other book that I am now in the middle of is called, Kiss Me Like You Mean It, by Dr. David Clarke.  I'm only a few chapters in, but just the intro had me hooked, and laughing my butt off at the reality of the woman/man dynamics he portrays.

The thing is, I don't view my marriage as falling apart or struggling.  I think Josh and I do a fairly decent job at communicating our wants, needs and struggles (which I couldn't have said about 12 years ago, ha!).  He is, by far, my best friend.

But on the other hand, I know that no marriage is perfect (that's exactly what Satan wants you to believe, so he can swoop in at any given weak moment and destroy it all!) .  Josh and I are far from perfect people.  As a matter of fact, we are sinful, selfish people, but we have committed to do life together, even through the stresses of daily foolish choices, mistakes, financial crisis, communication breaches and demanding children.

As I wade through these books I have noticed something stirring in my heart.

I WANT TO FIGHT FOR MY MARRIAGE!

Not because I'm afraid it is unraveling or on the brink of destruction, but because I know that we are NOT exempt.  We will never be exempt from the daily temptations that Satan throws at marriages, and we need to live with guarded hearts, always.

So yes, I am fighting for my marriage.  Today, tomorrow and every day.  Because it is a battle worth fighting the rest of my life for.

"For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places."

Ephesians 6:12

First Impressions

There is something to be said about the way women used to greet their husbands on those old TV shows.  You know the cliche scenario where the wife sees her husband pull into the driveway while baking a pie for dinner.  She joyfully walks to the front door and greets him with a kiss.  She leads him to his chair to prop his feet up as she hands him the newspaper and the remote.

Ahhh, how picture perfect life appeared in those shows.

You never saw the kids running around half-naked, throwing boogers at each other while you are frantically running through the mine-field of Legos strewn all over the living room floor toward the toddler shoveling guinea pig poop into his mouth.  (Yeah, I've never seen such things either;)

But that second scenario is real life.
It just is, and that is okay.

But I still have this thing for the TV show greeting.

Here is what I DON'T want Josh to witness upon his arrival:
* a frazzled mom running out the front door yelling to the kids over her shoulder that she is running away to the nut house (again, something I have NEVER seen;)
*a house full of busy people, none of which even acknowledge his arrival
*a house in total chaos with a mom who is completely out of control
*a wife who immediately begins spouting off all the things that went wrong that day

This time of day is one of the hardest times of the day for me.  Mentally I am spent.  I was ready for Josh to be home 3 hours ago.  I am frazzled.  The kids are beginning to get out of control.  Dinner isn't ready.  The baby is fussy.

But these aren't the FIRST things I want Josh to see when he enters back into the family unit.

My goal is NOT to paint a false picture of the day here, ladies.  It also is NOT to stress yourself to get everyone and everything looking and acting perfect!  But rather to put a halt on the happenings of the day to refocus and regroup.

Here is how the Colony does it:

• Typically Josh texts me right before he leaves Journey.  That gives me 20+ min. to get to work.
• First things first, "simmer" music is turned on.  Oh how I love Spotify and Pandora
• Next, rally the troops.  Communicate that daddy is on his way and that we want him to hear a family that loves each other.
• Now, put them to work.  Assign simple, age appropriate tasks to get the house in order(ish).
• Walk around and light some candles (it's hard to stay grumpy or anxious with Gardenia and Magnolia wafting from the corners of the house) 

Now you can get back to stirring the stew or flipping the chicken in the oven.

• Finally, for goodness sakes, stop peeling the potatoes and kiss your man when he walks in the door.  Making eye contact and physically showing him that he is more important than the tasks we are all working on will shout your love to him, even if only for a moment to acknowledge his arrival.

There are days when this just does NOT happen.  Josh gets home and I am a wreck, the house is a wreck and the kids, well, we don't need to talk about them right now...

But, by doing this, it not only allows for a quick-cleanup of the house and the scent of Magnolia to rise above the stench of diapers, it also promotes team work and thinking of others while we anticipate daddy coming home. It also removes the kids from their bickering matches and me from my feelings of being completely overwhelmed just long enough to dissipate those fires.

Now when daddy enters back into the family unit he will see a family that he enjoys coming home to.
I want him to feel safe when he walks in those doors, never a feeling of dread, not knowing what he is going to walk into.
I want him to be glad (excited, even) to be home with us.

We'll have time to get to the highs and lows of the day around the dinner table or at a more appropriate time, but the first impression I want my husband to see is that this is his family, that we love and appreciate him, and that we are trying to work together, even if it's been a rough day.

Because I Love Him More ~ Sex Secrets Re-Written

Yes, I wrote a blog today about sex!

Yes, it was a great post!  If you missed it, you really missed out;)
(you can email or message me if you are really interested)

Yes, it was an honest look into a happily married Christian marriage and, well, sex.

But, because I love my husband, and respect him, and my story is his story, we decided that we would take it down for now.  He lovingly reminded me of just how many people read my blog (especially if the words "sex" and "secrets" are in the title).  He supports every word of what I said, and believe it is a message that needs to be heard, but maybe not for the entire world to read.

I tend to have a much looser filter on personal issues, and that is why my husband is my filter.  So, for now our "Sex Secrets" will remain "OUR Sex Secrets":)

BUT:

Here are 5 key points I made:
1 - Make sure you have realistic expectations
2 - Don't be afraid to laugh
3 - Learn to communicate
4 - Make it fun
5 - Get out of your comfort zone

Alright, that's all you get for now.
I count it a privilege to live life with my husband and love that I get to love him!  Here's to finding the one you get to grow old with:)