Why Does Nobody Ever Talk About This?

I'm going to share a pet peeve of mine. It really bothers me when I hear someone talk about something that they are beginning to experience for the first time and say, "why does nobody ever talk about this?" 

We live in what I believe to be one of the most vocal eras of all time. There are SO many voices and words and resources that it is actually nearly impossible to honestly say "nobody ever talks about" ANYTHING.

I was listening to a women's hormone podcast, I know, riveting. The podcaster was recounting a conversation she had with a friend and they were discussing how "nobody ever talks about menopause." And I thought to myself, "I have literally heard the older generation talk about hot flashes and diminishing periods and raging emotions and hormones in older adulthood my entire life". Now, I never really thought too much about it, I just knew it was coming. But because it didn't really pertain to the season of life I was in it was just background noise. Something I recognized but didn't need to deeply take in at the time. But it was there.

I also heard someone say (actually lots of someones, as surprising as it may be) "why does nobody ever talk about how hard it is to raise teenagers?" This one really threw me off. Maybe it's because I was one of those "hard to raise teenagers" and have been waiting for my turn to parent kids like myself since I WAS that teen. Or maybe because I saw my emotionally exhausted mom quietly talking across the room to other teary moms as they waded through the trenches of parenting teenagers together.

But what about when I went through my ectopic pregnancy that could have taken my life, or the adoption holdups in another country? I had never HEARD of an ectopic pregnancy or some of the specifics of what we went through in our adoption. But that doesn't mean they were or are never talked about. 

Here is what I have found to be true:

When something isn't on our radar because life experiences haven't taken us in that particular direction yet, it DOES seem new and unknown. But it's because we haven't NEEDED to know the specifics of them. They haven't even been on our radar yet.

You may not have ever paid attention to the older generation of women furiously waving their fans in church to cool themselves off from hot flashes or been in their friend circles as they discuss the woes of menopause, but they've been there. We just haven't needed to know it all yet. But you better believe I am listening intently now as a 45-year-old! 

So often the fingers get pointed to the lack of guidance we received as we grew up because "nobody ever told me that". But we weren't meant to know everything yet. Our brains (and emotions) would have never been able to handle it all. Sometimes we need to learn as we go and that is what opens the door to what people who have gone before us have already been talking about.

Whenever I am tempted to fall into the, "why doesn't anybody ever talk about this" mentality I use it to remind myself to pause, take a step back and listen. Whether I am seeing something from far off and diving deeper or learning something for the very first time, I can take this pause. Oh there is talking alright. We just have to become good listeners and be gracious for the things we are just now learning.

Play It Out

When one of our kids was in elementary school they had an IEP.  One of the written allowances was extra time, or no time limit at all, when it came to test taking or projects. Being on the clock caused his extreme anxiety to kick into high gear and he would either shut down and nothing would get answered or he would just guess at everything just to get done. (Or on more than one occasion he would take off running!)

The older I've gotten, and the more in tune with my own anxiety I have become, I have seen the same to be true with me. No, I don't rush to bubble in whatever random answers will finish the task the quickest, but being on the clock for sure triggers my anxiety. Whether I am on my way to an appointment or cooking dinner in the kitchen, when I have a certain time limit restraining my freedom I feel trapped and paralyzed. 

When the child I mentioned before was going to counseling, his therapist worked with him at trying to look ahead, far ahead of the task at hand, to the final outcome. This would help to level the playing field a little bit and would help eliminate the "what's gonna happen if..." question that causes the anxiety.

I have thought about that a lot over the years. I have tried to begin to do this myself too, since me and my child are so much alike! And honestly, this practice has helped to counter countless anxiety-inducing fears over the years.

For instance:

Let's say I am on my way to an appointment and traffic has the arrival time on my GPS creeping up minute by minute. I begin sweating and my breathing becomes shallow (I know this seems a bit excessive to those of you who do not struggle with anxiety), but in that moment I cannot control any of that. But what I can control is the mental battleground that is causing my body to respond this way. I begin walking forward in time and mentally role-playing the scenario out. Traffic has me walking into my appointment 5, 10, 15 minutes late. What happens next? 

This actual scenario has happened. Last year. I walked into my appointment and literally started crying when the person at the counter said I was too late and they gave my appointment to someone else, and "when would be a good time to reschedule"? I wanted to say, "Never! I need to have my appointment today and be done with it!!!"

*sigh*

What happens when I proactively walk this out though is that I can settle into that option being a pretty good chance at happening BEFORE getting there and falling apart. I can call the office and tell them I'm running behind and see what my options are before getting any farther down the road. Or maybe I show up late and the front desk checks me in anyway and I walk right into my appointment.

But in either one of these outcomes everything really is ok. I have either had my appointment and it's done. Or I have to reschedule, which is for sure a nuisance, but again, it's done for today and I am ok.

This next one happened today. This week is hair week for our ethnic-haired beauty and we have a new thing we are doing. I was so nervous about it because I want my daughter to like it and I want it to be what she wants, but I was doubting my white mama skills in executing it the right way. I also know I have other responsibilities this week, because you know...being a mom... and doing hair typically takes about 8 hours of my time. (yes, you read that right)

So I'm sitting here starting to get all worked up, wondering if I'm going to actually be able to get it all done in time, especially since it is new hair. And here it comes again...the reminder to take a deep breathe and walk out all the scenarios. In this one, I alone am the one trying to put time restraints on this to-do. We gave ourselves plenty of time (we've learned a lot over the years) before she goes off to camp or have any outside obligations. This allows us to work in stages. So what if I don't finish it today or tomorrow like I am wanting to? Why can't I squeeze in another hour here and there throughout the week? Nothing will happen to her, to me, to our family if the hair doesn't get done in the next 2 days like I'm making myself feel like I need to.

This practice works like a charm when trying to herd little kids around. Early on into parenthood I decided that I would always try to NOT be in a hurry with the kids. Because, as every caretaker knows, for some reason as soon as a kid senses that we need to hurry they begin moving like they are wading through molasses and this mama would lose her ever loving mind! And that is not the mom I want to be. (This also clearly becomes a recipe for disaster to my aforementioned child who struggles with feeling like he has to be in a hurry!) So I would practice looking forward. What if we don't get to the grocery store and then back home in time for the nap that will ensure a happy heart at the event I'm playing this evening. Nothing. Nothing would happen. I might have a slightly grumpy baby from a late nap, or no nap. I might have to rearrange the rest of my afternoon. I might even have to cancel something. But the day would go on and it would be OK.

I KNOW this is easier said than done, but the next time you feel the heat rising in your body or the fear and anxiety bubbling just under the surface, try to stop, take a breathe and start looking forward.

And most of the time, life will just go on.

There might be a need to pivot the day or some of your other plans.

But...

Everything will be ok.

And in those rare circumstance where something terrible does happen, God is in that too. You can give that to Him.

He promises to provide because he truly does care about the best for us, even if the scenario ends in the worst case scenario.

Letting Go Of The Past To Embrace The Present

If any of you have ever been to our home, or even our little "small town bright future" space on the map for that matter, you may have noticed a HUGE change over the past year or two. LOTS of construction and change. We have the perfect location. Directly behind our property and all around to the right were open fields used for fort building, pretend camping and anything else the imagination could conjure up as our kids grew up. The fields weren’t ever ours though. We’ve been in this house nearly 15 years and the property had been for sale even longer than that. We knew eventually the day would come that the fields would be bought up and building of some sort would begin. A couple years ago that day came when we saw people with clipboards walking around the field. And then we saw them again. And again. We were soon informed that a private youth volleyball league had bought the 3 lots surrounding our home and would be building a gym, parking lots and beach volleyball courts. As you can imagine we were devastated to see the hills being leveled, our favorite tree cut down and the field slowly turn from grass to pavement.

Yes, there were actual tears shed at this loss.

We’ve had to grieve the loss of what was.

We’ve had to reckon with what we wish we still had.

This may seem pretty trivial but I have noticed this pattern with other circumstances in my own life and maybe you can begin seeing it in your own as well.

As you know we have 5 kids. A High School graduate, another well on his way to adulthood, two in High School and one bringing up the rear as a 12-year-old middle schooler. We are in the trenches of full time jobs, part time jobs, some kids driving themselves to activities, sports and other extracurriculars and friends coming and going. Where we used to pick up a child, place them in their carseat and head off to wherever WE had planned to go we are left trying to match schedules and activities to get at least the majority of us together for an outing or even holiday. This season has left me feeling disoriented as the idea of family time is rapidly shifting.

I have had to grieve the loss of what was.

And I’m having to reckon with what I wish we still had.

Or how about this example.

Friendships sometimes have a way of slowly finding themselves to be in completely different seasons of life that have a tendency to leave little to no time for the friendship. I have had the hardest time with these gaping friendship voids in different seasons of my life, and I'm typically not great with change anyway, so when I find myself here I feel stuck and alone. I remember calling my mom in tears on more than one occasion in college as I transitioned from home to school.

I have had to grieve the loss of what was.

I’ve had to reckon with what I wish I still had.

Maybe none of these examples have hit close to home yet.

But what if I circled back to 2020?

COVID rocked us ALL. Many of us suffered great loss. Whether it was the loss of a job, a relationship (gosh, the tension and hatred that was birthed in this season has left such deep wounds), or even the loss of a loved one. Or maybe it was as simple as a loss in routine and what used to be “normal”, or as complicated as a fallout causing deep hurt and relational betrayal. 2020 was not biased. This season left no-one unscathed. That period of time is such a fog for pretty much all of us. It’s as if we lost nearly two years of our lives in respect.

For Josh and I, this season turned into one of the hardest, darkest seasons of our lives and our entire family felt the ripple effects of the aftermath which went deep and wide.

We had to grieve the loss of what was.

And we were faced with reckoning with what we wish we still had.

On top of fear of the unknown of what was going to be.

But you know what?  After I look back at these specific examples (and I’m sure we could all come up with dozens more) I was reminded of something.  When I get stuck longing for what WAS I neglect the blessings in the what IS.

Yes, grieve what was. That is an important part of the healing process. In fact, God even tells us to look back in remembrance. To recall what He HAS done. But if we get stuck in the past or quickly try to push through to the future, it becomes nearly impossible to see the now.

When I find myself in the backyard with yet another car shining their headlights into our living room I can really quickly find myself going into a negative place. But I have a choice. I can stay here and fall deeper and deeper into that hole, as I long for what used to be, affecting everyone that is around me with my negativity, or I can choose to get out. At this point I try to remind myself of what COULD have been built behind our house, like a building complex, busy business, or condos, and I am quickly brought back to the reality of the amazing space God has allowed us to have. A big yard, plenty of parking for the non-stop flow of people that come in and out of the front door, the places that our kids can walk, the park trails directly beside us that open themselves up to miles of running potential or to hours of conversation as we process life. And thank goodness the gym is not directly behind us so we can still see our beautiful sunsets!

I have to be present in order to see God’s good for us here.

When I get stuck sulking over the lack of family time and let’s face it, the things I used to feel like I had control over, I miss the amazing season we are in with the kids. The independence they have in this season is truly freeing. The friendships I am forging with the oldest ones gives me a glimpse into what I hope to have with all my kids as they get older. Watching our kids friend and work and learn boundaries and navigate relationships and begin thinking for themselves…it’s all so beautiful, and exhausting, but beautiful. I really wouldn’t trade it for anything, except maybe a little more time when we are all together, lol.

I have to come back to the present to see God’s good for us here.

Oh the friendships I have had to grieve over the years. It’s hard to see friendships change over time. Grieving the way a friendship used to be is ok, but I cannot stay there. I have to stop trying to fit that friendship into a space it no longer fits so that it can find where it DOES belong now. Just because a friendship looks different doesn't mean that it isn't still a beautiful thing. This also opens my heart up to the people that are right next to me right now. And God is so gracious to give us just what we need.

I have to be present to appreciate God’s good in my friendships, whatever season I might find them in.

But what about when it comes to the gut-wrenching hard things? When we find ourselves on a merry-go-round that just keeps spinning out of control?

There is no magic formula that has worked for me here, and I bet you would say the same. But our God is in that too. We wake up, we pray, we release it all to Him, we put one foot in front of the other.  We cry, and try to find SOMEthing to bring joy and laughter, and then we do it all again the next day and the next. The living in the now is hard, but as we pull from the deep well of faithfully walking with God we get glimmers of grace along the way.

We have to be present to appreciate God's constant grace in the chaos as we wait patiently for the season to pass. Joy and chaos can coexist. 

So, for whatever it’s worth, I invite you to walk with me today, to see what God is up to right now. Not as if the past didn’t happen, or that the future doesn’t matter, but today is the only thing we are called to worry about, for tomorrow will have enough troubles of its own. 

Dedicated to the New Sandy Creek Saints 

who have walked with us through so many seasons of life.

You are a blessing in our NOW! 

I am thankful for the opportunity to have shared these words with you last week. 

It was truly an honor to be with you all. 

Thank you for being a shining example of Christ's bride.

(adapted for public audience) 

Awaken My Soul

 I'm finally sitting in my own home this morning after a couple of (life giving) weeks of traveling. 

It's Good Friday today. Typically our Holy Week is filled with devotions and activities leading up to Resurrection Sunday, but this year has looked a little  lot different. And so it is as kids get older and seasons change (and you go out of the country and then out of town for spring break).

So I headed outside to have some sun and Jesus time. I opened my Bible and it just didn't feel right to pick up in Ezekiel where my Bible reading plan currently has me. I decided I'd read the accounts of Good Friday in the gospels.

I opened up to Matthew, found the night of the plot to kill Jesus, and picked it up from there. I got about halfway through the account of the woman who poured oil on the feet of Jesus and I just felt this inclination to stop and pray. The words that kept coming to mind were "awaken my soul".

So I began to pray for my own soul to wake up. For my eyes to be opened to what these words were portraying. To wake up to the gravity of the cross. Taking it from merely a story I read and hear about all the time, to an actual event in history that has forever changed my life. Changed the world. It is so deeply personal and I wanted God to help me FEEL it again.

I lingered there for a minute before the Lord began bringing other people to mind. Dear friends and family members. I felt a heaviness to pray for an awakening of their souls to the freedom and life and peace that is made possible because of what we celebrate on Easter.

And this is my prayer:

For those of you who are weary in life, feeling like the world is spinning all around you and you cannot catch your breathe...

May your soul be awakened.

For those of you who have the faith but it feels as though it is asleep, lying dormant, and you cannot find your bearings...

May your soul be awakened.

For those of you who have been hurt, disappointed, and feel jaded by those in Christ's community and simply don't know who to trust...

May your soul be awakened.

For those of you who have been through the unimaginable and feel forgotten and unheard by the God who you have cried out to...

May your soul be awakened.

For those of you who have lost faith but are still searching for something...

May your soul be awakened.

For those who have never really started a personal relationship with this God who sent his only son to die on our behalf...

May your soul be awakened.

I'm praying for you today. I'm praying for me today. That we can experience Him in a way that opens our eyes and awakens our souls.

Focal Point

Life has had a way of de-railing me so quickly lately.

There are circumstances with no resolution.

So many things out of my control. (A sure recipe for an anxious person like me.)

A steady stream of not-so-positive news.

A culture lacking respect and grace.

Sickness. Depression. Anxiety. All wrecking havoc on so many around me. People I love and care for.

It seems like it has literally been one thing after another going on two years now.

It's enough to leave a mind feeling completely overwhelmed.

Spinning.

Whirling.

Hopeless.

And with no end in sight.

It has been so hard to find solid footing on this ground that keeps shifting and changing.

And I KNOW I'm not alone.  These thoughts and feelings have been echoed in nearly every serious conversation I have had lately.

But while I was out jogging this afternoon I had a mental image that came to mind. (I often view life in mental pictures. If only I were an artist that could paint or draw these images to help depict what I'm thinking! Clearly that was NOT my gifting given that my stick figures are even laughable. Just ask my family!) Anyway, here is what I saw...it was me, kind of hovering above the ground. Objects were spinning out of control all around me, almost like I was in the middle of a tornado. My hair was blowing in my face and I couldn't figure out what to do. What was going on. What to grab ahold of. I was paralyzed. And then all of a sudden I found some abstract thing (I can't really explain what this thing was) and just began zoning in on that one thing. Nothing stopped moving or spinning out of control, the chaos was still there, but my body began to slowly lower down to the ground and my hair stopped blowing in my face. And I felt a calm wash over me.

All of a sudden it reminded me of a time I was doing yoga. I was trying to hold this ridiculously difficult pose for an obscene amount of time (thanks to the YouTube instructor I was following along with). But then my dog (and maybe a kid or two;) began to start running laps around me and I quickly lost my pose and had to start over. It was hard for me to keep my mind focused on the pose while my eyes were focused on the chaos and movement of the dog and kids. (This is my life people!) But every good yoga instructor tells her class to find a focal point to look at in order to keep your mind focused and your pose in tact.

It's the same in childbirth. Finding a focal point helps to eliminate the distraction and ease the pain. (or so they say, ha)

What does all this have to do with me trying to just figure out how to  make it through my day-to-day?

It actually has EVERYTHING to do with learning how to thrive in the midst of chaos.

We have to find our focal point. And let me tell you from experience, the ONLY true north, the only firm foundation, the only constant in this every-changing world with fickle emotions, desires and outcomes is Jesus Christ.

It reminds me of the story of Peter walking on water in Matthew 14. The wind was tossing and turning the boat. When Jesus started walking on the water toward them he didn't call the waves to stop right then. He called Peter to come out and join him. In the midst of the troubled waters and the wind. And as long as Peter kept his eyes on Jesus he was fine. But as soon as he took his eyes off Christ and looked at the wind (the chaos around him) he began to sink.  But even then, Peter cried out to Jesus, "Lord, save me" and "Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him...".

Yes, our world, specifically our country right now, seems to be tearing apart at the seams.

Yes, Covid is STILL here.

Yes, there are unresolved relationships and circumstances.

Yes, people have lost all sense of compassion for one another, therefore say and do hurtful things.

Yes. All of these things are valid and real.

But I am learning that my focal point HAS to be Jesus Christ in order to keep my head above water.

In order to keep the chaos in its place.

I MUST keep shifting my gaze to the ONE who brings peace in the storm or the storm will consume me.

My mental, emotional and spiritual health will all begin to fail and those I love the most will pay the price right along with me.

So take your mental lens and keep fixing your eyes on Jesus. 

The storms will roll in and the waves may rise but God promises to give us peace.

We can trust Him.

Ramblings From Rest

Vacation Sunset

We began our track out with Josh's family on our annual vacation at the lake. I told some of my family that there are some years where we are just super stoked to get to vacation to enjoy the adventures ahead, and then there are other years where we feel like we barely come stumbling across the finish line to vacation; weary, tired and just ready for some time to regroup mentally, physically and emotionally.  This year was the latter.

But even after a week of sleeping in and 6-mile morning walks with my sister-in-loves to catch up on all things life and reading and soaking up the sun, I came home still not feeling ready to reconnect with all my responsibilities.

Josh's parents requested to hang out with the kids for a few extra days since it was still track out (Josh and I certainly didn't argue) so after a short, two-day respite to do laundry, go to Biology class (Rainy), beast another soccer game (Cai and Jude) and repack, I relinquished my children over to the grandparents to come back home and...wait, I had NO AGENDA!  

I am always trying to figure out projects to accomplish when I don't have the kids. And if I'm not here I'm typically off playing a gig somewhere so I'm not even at my house.  So on the ride home I asked the Lord what He wanted me to do with these three days with no kids, in the comfort and quiet of my own home.  

Just breathe. Rest.

I DID organize the kid's rooms for them, because that is so very life-giving to me, and they stayed like that for THREE ENTIRE DAYS (you know, the three days that the kids were gone, lol)!  I woke up the next day not feeling well AT ALL, but I believe the Lord was just using my body to help solidify His plan for me to continue to rest while the kids were gone.

Cleaning. Organizing. Taking care of what God has given us. Order. Rest.

We took flowers to our elderly neighbor (she turned 104 last week, ya'll!). Then after praying over her (and listening to her sing sweet praises to her Heavenly Father, which I will not soon forget) we headed down the hallway and said our goodbyes to her granddaughter who cares for her and her 84 year old daughter, Mary.  But after a hug and farewell we ended up sitting at Mary's kitchen table and talking for well over an hour about life.  Listening to her stories of how she grew up, a black woman in a white town determined to keep her out.  Wow, our little town has come a long way! Their family has been here for ages...literally.  They walked through the Civil Rights movement and we heard first hand accounts of things that occurred right down the street from our home.  What a treasure that afternoon brought. 

Listening. Neighboring. Resting.

I have nearly completed three books in the past couple of weeks.  Through these books I've learned so much about my own self-centered heart and how offended I tend to live.  And some ways I can begin to live LESS offended and more compassionately and patiently FOR others.  I've read the most refreshing homeschooling book I've EVER read.  It has completely reshaped how I view success in a school day and it has helped me regain focus of the "why" behind the schooling choices we have made. Now I'm reading such a good book about the division in our country. This one is completely out of my typical reading genre but it has been VERY good for me. 

Reading. Learning. Opening my mind to new ideas. Thinking. Processing. Resting.

Josh and I found ourselves sleeping late, reading through breakfast, eating dinner at 8pm and talking into the night. We even took a couple of dates out on the town just because we could. New places. Places we found all on our own. We truly enjoyed each other's company.  Even the silent moments together (because let's face it, we have NO time without kids with early rising grade-schoolers and late-night-talking teenagers so silence is golden).

Reconnecting. Dreaming. Talking. Being. Resting.

One day we were driving home from Wendell and we passed a house that we have passed dozens of times over the past couple of years.  It has been for sale since we first saw it.  So Josh and I decided we were going to pull in and take a look around. Why in the world was this BEAUTIFUL home STILL for sale?!  Now, we KNEW it was WAY OUT OF OUR PRICE RANGE, but we wanted to just see what was up anyway.  I knocked on the door but nobody was home.  So I began walking around this country home and looking through the windows.  I mean, ya'll, this house is like 10 times the size of the Colony Casa.  EVERYTHING is like 10 times as big...including the mortgage we found out, lol!  It is literally over a million dollars after asking our realtor friend to look into it for us.  I mean, the laundry room is as big as our living room.  (I actually thought it was the kitchen, haha!)

Anyway, the entire ride home Josh and I daydreamed about all of the possibilities this home could provide for a family like ours.  The worship mentorship program we've always dreamt of having where people can come, live with us for a season and do life with us. The foster kids that would actually have a real SPACE to be.  The family we could entertain.  The worship nights under the stars by the fire pit area. The live recordings and music...

And as we pulled into OUR home I couldn't help but explode with gratitude for the perfectly imperfect home that God has provided for us. The community just on the other side of the woods that we have been able to connect with. Head-strong Lois next door, 104-year old Lizzie who talks to Jesus as if He is sitting next to her bed holding her hand, 84-year old Mary with all the stories we still can't wait to hear when we get to visit again, the stained carpet that people continue to come and sit on during MC, the kitchen table where we've been able to share meals, tears and hard life with so many, the kid's rooms that they share that keep them close, the piles and piles (because all the bookshelves are full) of books from a husband who loves to love and lead and learn.

Perspective. Gratitude. Resting.

That night I fell asleep rather quickly but at midnight I woke up and just couldn't fall back asleep.  I tossed and turned for a while but then decided I might as well get up.  Josh and I came home from vacation to some pretty heavy situations others are going through around us so I decided to take advantage and pray specifically for so many I love and care for. I finished up the book I was reading and then decided to try to lay back down. I found myself completely overwhelmed to tears with the goodness of God.  Even in the hard. Even in uncertainty. Even in the things that seem not-enough or insufficient enough.  God is so much bigger than it all. And I could actually FEEL it that night.  I was so emotional the rest of the night and into Sunday morning. My sleep-deprived state kept me moving slowly through the hallways, allowing for multiple conversations that may not have happened if I were more rested or if I had the 5-7 kids I am typically trying to keep track ofJo on Sundays.

Tangible closeness to the Lord. Intercession for others. Overwhelmed by God. Resting.

Jemma has been VERY sick.  Alethia has been comforting her with back scratches and reading to her.

Since the kids have been home I have found myself continuing to move more slowly. I'm watching my kids more closely. Not like a helicopter mom, but like an observer. Watching the way Cai walks through the field as if he is dribbling an invisible soccer ball, or the intricate way Alethia sets up her Barbie's living quarters all over the bedroom floor, or the faces Rainy makes while she is reading an exciting part in her book, or the determination Jude has as he duct tapes his stuffed animals to his remote control motor cycle to drive around the park trails, or how incredibly old Zeke looks all of a sudden. 

Awareness. Cherishing. Resting.

My kitchen is much dirtier, the bed is still unmade, I keep forgetting things that would typically be top priority in my get-it-done mindset, and I only have kind-of an idea of what I should make for dinner in about an hour. But Josh said he thinks this new me is kind of sexy.  I don't know how long my anxiety-tendencied self will allow these feelings of peace and deeply grounded purpose stick around, but I'm going to hold on to them as long as I can.

Even in the doing. Resting.

This is Fred. He has enjoyed his duct taped rides around the 1-mile loop at the park, ha! 

Sing Your Song

Thank you whoever first posted this photo last weekend:)

I have played music for as long as I can remember.  I began taking lessons as a four-year-old. I began as a solo instrumentalist but my favorite thing, by far is to play WITH other people.  I've played in ensembles, quartets, as a duet, in symphonies and orchestras, in worship bands, in instrumental bands...and NOTHING compares to that feeling of playing a note that fits so perfectly with another.

Classical music if fantastic and reaches a different part of my soul than other music. Fiddle music reminds me of my grandaddy.  Folk music brings me back to college coffee shops and gigs.  Hymns take me back to our small churches as a child, as I played side-by-side with my siblings and parents as we led the congregation together.  Songs played for funerals and weddings carry their own weight and music played to words that sing about our God and who He is...NOTHING compares.

But you know what?  I've always wanted to be able to sing.  Like REALLY sing.  

Now, I can carry a tune...and it'll for sure be IN tune, but it just doesn't come out like when my friend Patience Leino (or so many of the other vocalists I have had to privilege to play music with/for) who quite honestly sounds like I imagine an angel sounding.  I struggle to remember lyrics without a prompt and my voice gets shaky and unsteady, and I've heard those things are kind of important, ha!

Still, I can hardly contain myself.  I feel like it might explode through my chest at times as I get so caught up in the words of the song and try to wrap my mind around their reality and what they mean that I simply can't NOT sing.  I often have to remind myself that I need to "come back in in about three more beats" or that I am going to need to bring it back down in order to keep that consistent rhythm or steady bow hand.  

It's not that I'm not allowed to actually sing, but there is a reason I don't have a microphone.  Because that's not my thing.  It's not the song God gave me to sing.  My song is made on a violin.  I sing my notes through a melody of tones strung together.  My personal song complements the lyrical song and all the other pieces that fit together to make it complete. Individually we all sound just fine, but when you bring us all together there is no denying its purpose.

Nearly every time I am playing I am reminded of the gift that it really is.  To be able to have a way to express my heart to the Lord, even though I can't sing my worship the way I want to, is a true blessing which I am immensely grateful for.

Josh just reminded me of this breathtaking message that Louie Giglio has about the different parts of creation and how they all fit together to make a beautiful cacophony of sound in worship of our great God.  They aren't even trying for it, they are just doing what God created them to do!

If I sat on the sidelines simply because I can't sing the way I wish I could, not only would I be missing out on this avenue God has given me to jump on board with His mission, but my part, my notes, my song and my worship would be missing.  The body of musicians would be affected as a whole.

Maybe you are reading this and wondering what in the world I'm even talking about.  Your song has nothing to do with notes at all.  You are an engineer, a teacher, a smart computer person (there are so many of you out there, and THAT is for SURE not me!), doctor, builder, landscaper...you name it.  That is your song.

Or maybe you care deeply for children, or the marginalized, or the homeless, or strong families.  You pour into those things with all your heart.  

That is your song.

I have other avenues of singing as well.  Being an intentional mother and wife, teaching my kids, shaping hearts, encouraging friends, feeling deeply, listening without judgement, crying with those who cry, fighting for lots of white space in order to fill it with the multiple interruptions God brings my way...these are all some of the songs I feel like God has given me to sing.

What is YOUR song?  What notes do you bring to the cacophony of sound that reaches far above the heavens that shouts how great God is, even when our world is crumbling around us?

It doesn't have to be glamorous. 

Most of the time it's not. 

In fact, many times you'll get dirty as you sing it.  

But embrace it for what it is.

We've all got a song to sing for Him.

Just find your song and sing it!

Sitting Outside The Ring Of Fire

Josh and I sat outside by the fire pit for over 2 hours last night.  We saw the sun drop behind the trees and then the atmosphere slowly turn to darkness outside.  The stars were so bright above our heads, yet the darkness around us slowly swallowed us up...except for the light that the fire put out.

As I was gathering sticks to slowly add to the low-lit fire a bat kept sweeping in right around our heads.  It was creeping me out!  And every time I stuck  my hand down in the stick pile to grab another handful I was afraid I was going to pull out a spider, or even worse, a snake!

The fields around us are always an unknown.  We've seen coyotes and raccoons and numerous deer.  The random person has also been known to traipse through the tall grass on the far side of the field.

But the lower and lower the fire's flames got the more our eyes adjusted to the darkness and we were made more aware of our surroundings and the potential for critters, and who knows whatever else, to creep up on us.  There is a reason why I never enjoy the fire pit by myself when Josh is out of town.  Maybe if it was located closer to the house?

The fire was reaching an all-time low so I broke some longer twigs and sticks to add to the kindling.  All of a sudden the fresh new wood caught fire and began blazing brightly.  Immediately everything went pitch black around me.  The darkness didn't matter anymore, even though it appeared that it were thicker than ever.  The impending dangers were still all around us, but they seemed to have disappeared. Nothing mattered in that moment except for the nearly blinding light in the fire.  And as long as I stayed focused on that light that is all that consumed my mind.

The darkness will always surround us on this side of heaven.  The dangers and storms will always seem to be just over the horizon, but when we focus on the light  the fear goes away and the comfort is restored to the soul.

And in that moment, nothing matters but the light.

"The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it."

John 1:5

"The Lord is my light and my salvation - whom shall I fear? 

The Lord is the stronghold of my life - of whom shall I be afraid?"

Psalm 27:1

"Believe in the light while you have the light, so that you may become children of light."

John 12:36

"the people living in darkness have seen a great light;

on those living in the land of the shadow of death the light has dawned."

Matthew 4:16

"I KNOW, but..."

"I KNOW, but..."

This phrase is something that we are trying to eliminate from Jude's vocabulary.  Those words were quickly beginning to weasel their way to the beginning of EVERY excuse he had when being told that his reaction to something (or disobedience to do something) was off.

Me:"Jude I asked you to put those dirty socks in the laundry."
Jude:"I KNOW, but I wanted to finish coloring my picture."

Me:"Jude, you can't yell at Zeke like that!"
Jude:"I KNOW, but he took my Lego Flash guy."

Me:"Jude, you need to buckle you seatbelt buddy. Remember, that should be the FIRST thing you do when you get settled in the car."
Jude:"I KNOW, but I don't LIKE to wear a seatbelt."

You get the idea.

The last 24 hours or so have been pretty frustrating for me as a mom. I feel like I have been a record stuck on repeat, saying the same phrases over and over...and over.

I want so desperately for my kids to be responsible children.
To learn to clean up after themselves
To speak respectfully to each other
To do what is asked of them without trying to negotiate
To take care of the things we have been given

All of these things are VERY good things to teach our children.
In fact, the lack of these things is becoming so commonplace among this generation that I am determined to fight the battle against things like this until my kids are out of my home.

At what cost, though?
It's all about the delivery and speaking to the heart, and I have failed this week.

Josh pulled me aside this morning and gracefully and lovingly told me that he felt like I was speaking too harshly with the kids.

(Girls, you need to find you a man who loves you enough to call you out in love.  And then you need to learn to receive those words with a humble spirit...something I am working on.  My tendency is to be offended and try to justify my behavior...but that gets me nowhere but stuck and feeling like everyone else needs to change but me.  And we ALL know that we are ALL a work in progress.  Stupid pride...)

And wouldn't you know, my very first reaction to Josh's words were:
"I KNOW, but..."

...Zeke totally just spilled orange juice ALL OVER THE TABLE and just left it."
...Alethia KNOWS how to make her bed by herself. I've seen her do it a million times."
...Jude will NOT stop whining."
...it's not THAT hard for Rainy to start that paragraph with a good topic sentence."
...Cai keeps getting in everybody's faces! Nobody likes that."

For some reason I have felt justified to respond differently than I teach because I have the "parent pass" that allows outbursts of frustration, apologies with excuses, and entitlement to be the one in control.

It's that "but" that gets me into trouble.  It's that tiny little word that keeps me from seeing what I can do differently to change my heart in the situation.

It goes the same way with apologies.
Teaching our kids to apologize and forgive are part of our everyday repertoire as parents.  But so often I find myself apologizing with an excuse at the end.

"I'm so sorry for yelling at you like that, but..."

That kind of apology isn't taking full responsibility for my actions though.  It is merely going through the motions but passing part of the blame.  Sure, they may have DESERVED it, but that doesn't make what I said or did right.

Living with a "but" at the end of every sentence isn't God's way.

It doesn't breathe life into my kids.
It does quite the opposite actually.

I want my kids to see how I loved them, even in the midst of their weaknesses.
I want my kids to see that I truly care more about their hearts than their clean rooms.
I want my kids to see a mom who can own up to her sin instead of trying to pass the blame.

I'm not writing this post this morning because I have a 5-step plan to get us parents out of this mentality.  I'm right here WITH you!

But I SEE it.
I'm calling my sin out for what it is.
And I'm doing some business with God, the only one who can keep my tongue tamed and my heart soft with compassion, understanding, patience and love.

Praise God for His immediate forgiveness and the lack of the word "but" in His vocabulary.

Proverbs 16:24

"Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones."

Be The Change

I have one particular child going through something right now. We have been at a stalemate for years and we are at a point where we really need to address this issue head-on...again.

Talking to them last night I tried to reassure them that I KNEW beyond a shadow of a doubt that some of the situation is COMPLETELY out of their control, but that I also knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that there were at least SOME things that they COULD control.

This child simply hasn't put any effort into the part they could control because they can't control it ALL. We set out a game plan, knowing there is absolute grace in what is out of their control, and just doing our best to make progress in the part that IS in their control.

This takes discipline.
This takes motivation.
This takes getting over the pride that keeps us from taking ownership and seeing our own responsibility for growth, (because let's face it, as soon as we think "Whatever, I'm good with God. It's YOU that has to get it together.", you are fooling yourself into the lie that you have arrived and don't have any sin in your own heart to work out. We are ALL works in progress).
Which all takes a LOT of prayer, because it is ONLY THROUGH CHRIST that we can make the move.

I tried to explain that they would never have freedom from this particular situation unless they chose to make a move in a different direction.

We often tell our kids when they are arguing back and forth about something that nothing is going to change unless one of them takes the higher road and stops it.  Sometimes it means simply walking away (because it's hard to argue when nobody else is in the room to argue with).  Other times it's as simple as just NOT fighting back. Either way, SOMEONE is going to have to change something for it to stop.

If you are feeling stuck and not knowing how to get out of the pit, try taking a step in a different direction.
Try offering grace instead of blame.
Try softening your heart instead of building up that wall.
Try loving instead of putting down.
Try stepping in the shoes of someone else instead of always playing the victim.
Try forgiveness instead of holding on to the trophy of bitterness, anger and/or resentment.

I don't know what it needs to be for you, but just try something different.

It is uncomfortable for sure.
It absolutely seems unfair much of the time.
But isn't the grace we've been freely given just as important as the grace we are commanded to give?

I know, I know...easier said than done, but MAN is it worth it!

Today, take one step in a different direction to begin to be the change.

How To Be The Martha HE Created You To Be ~ It ALWAYS Goes Back To The Heart

I've read the account of Mary and Martha from Luke 10 a million times and heard just as many sermons on this same account.

But I still can't get the Martha mentality out of my head.

Maybe because I have littles who are always asking about the next meal.
(Can I get an AMEN?!)
And if I don't make it they most likely aren't going to get it.
(At least not the good stuff!)
So I huff and I puff away in the kitchen...3 meals a day...for nearly 365 days a year.
(Because going out to eat with a family of 7...have you seen how my boys tend to act in public?!)
Ain't nobody got time to just sit around!

In this story I see a woman who knows that her LORD is outside and 100% sure that he is hungry.
She is torn.
She desperately wants to go out and sit at his feet, like her sister, and soak in all that He has to say, but knows full-well that dinner is NOT going to cook itself.

And if it doesn't get done now they aren't going to be able to eat until midnight!
(There aren't any prepared snacks or fast food restaurants right around the corner back then)
And she wants the BEST for her Savior.

So I get it!

God has made her a get-it-done kind of girl.
Who is very aware of her surroundings.

We are people who plan ahead.
We think about the full picture.
The clock is our best friend and worst enemy.

There are two things going on in this story that I think about every time I read/ hear it.

1 - I believe women (and men) like us will spend the rest of our lives fighting the get-it-done mentality when we need to work on the discipline of "being still" with the LORD (and yes, it is a discipline).  There is a time and a place for that FOR SURE (preferably every day!).

But today I want to hone in on number 2, which is:

I wonder, at the risk of taking another vantage point, if Jesus would have reprimanded Martha if she were to have been serving with a servant's heart.  Maybe it wasn't just about her stopping what she was doing to come and join them.  Maybe it was about the HEART behind her service.

If she would have been serving out of a heart of love and service like Christ commands us to serve so many times in the new testament, would she have been RIGHT WHERE SHE NEEDED TO BE?

Martha was said to be "distracted by all the preparations".  You can just see the bitterness and resentfulness flowing out of the words when she went out to Jesus and said, "Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself?  Tell her to help me!"

Martha wasn't serving with the right heart.  And of course the Lord could sense that.  Actually, He didn't even have to SENSE it.  She was pretty open about it.

BUT...

...what if Martha would have been in the kitchen doing the thing that God had created inside of her to do.  She was a get-it-done kind of girl because that is the way God wired her (and me).  What if she would have been serving with a servant's heart.  I believe that if her heart would have been softened to serve out of love for her guest/Savior, and even her sister (that had chosen not to help her this time), that her heart would have been in the right place.

In this story Martha's mind was completely consumed with anger and resentment toward her sister.  I can only imagine the ugly things that were whirling around in her head about her "lazy" sister that "always made HER do all the work" as she prepared this meal.  Her mind was so full of thoughts of entitlement for herself and bitterness toward her sister. (It's a good thing these are all hypothetical thoughts, ahem...)

If only she would have been in the kitchen with an open heart and mind to serve like Jesus.  She would have then been in a posture to "work as unto the LORD" (Colossians 3:23) while allowing her heart and mind to be less consumed with the negativity toward her sister. Can you imagine the freedom she would have opened up in her heart and mind to hear, at a distance of course, the wise words of her savior just around the corner.  The wisdom.  The teachings.  The laughter.  The closeness.

Here is what the LORD is teaching me about the Martha he has created inside of me.

The only way I will be able to serve the way Jesus has exemplified for us to serve is by digging in against my natural flesh to do, do, do, but to find a way to be still with Him every day.  And it is then, and only then, that I can serve out of true love, the way a true servant should.  And IN that kind of serving I will be able to hear and feel the closeness of our Father right in the middle of all the serving.

It all goes back to the HEART.
It ALWAYS goes back to the heart.

Counting Eggs ~ Counting Blessings

It's the end of the month and I know for a fact that we aren't the only family who plays the what-can-we-create-from-our-remnants-in-the-pantry game to get by until the next paycheck.

(Please don't read this and rush out to get us a grocery gift card because our family is starving!  WE ARE FINE;)!  We get paid TONIGHT, woohoo!)

Ahem, back to my story.

As I was cleaning up breakfast and filling up our recycling bin with all the empty containers from finishing up many of the contents of the refrigerator and pantry, I stopped and looked in our bowl where we keep the eggs.  Empty.  Not a huge deal, but the newest ladies outside are still getting used to their new egg-laying job and the number of eggs we get are highly unpredictable.  So naturally I'm gonna pray for them to lay well this particular day.  I counted up the average daily egg requests and asked the Lord to give us 8 eggs for the following morning.

Fast forward to 3:45 when the kids walked home from school and Alethia begins telling me that her friend, Madison, told her that she loved seeing our cute chickens free-ranging in the yard on her way to school that day.  Sure enough, I look out the window and realized that FOUR of our more mature egg-layers had been out ALL.DAY.LONG.  How in the world did that happen?!  Zeke and I then spent the better part of the next 10 minutes chasing after rounding them up and grabbing them leading them back to the coop.  Egg-laying time was over so when I peeked in the coop to see how many eggs God had blessed us with I counted in anticipation.

One.  Two.  Three.  Four.  Five.

It would have been so cool to have seen the exact 8 eggs that I had prayed for, but after realizing that 4 main egg-layers had escaped their responsibilities that day I wasn't surprised.

At breakfast this morning we began taking egg orders.  I didn't say a word about how many eggs we had in the bowl.  And wouldn't you know, we were able to fulfill all the desired egg orders!  Nobody went without their desired egg and everyone had just enough to eat to fill their bellies from breakfast.  Josh even made us adults delicious omelets with the leftover eggs.

I tell you this for a couple of reasons.

One, I prayed to a great big God about my silly request for 8 eggs.  I prayed specifically and in full faith that God could allow us to get 8 eggs.  But I also prayed in Jesus name, which means I prayed with open hands, knowing that ultimately God knows what we need more than I do.  So, regardless of the outcome, I knew that God was in control.

God wants us to bring our requests to Him, no matter how small and insignificant it seems.

Two, God answered my prayer.  Not with the 8 eggs that I asked for, but with JUST WHAT WE NEEDED for the next day...and He accomplished it with 4 of our main egg-layers out playing hooky all day!  My mind immediately went to this verse:

"...for your Father knows what you need before you ask him."

Matthew 6:8

Words

I haven't posted a blog post with actual word content in a very long time.

Finding the time and the quiet that necessitates such a post is few and far between these days, but I wouldn't trade this season for anything!

In fact, NOT being attached to a screen is kind of something I've been working on over the past couple of months...some days are better than others, but it is a personal conviction I've needed to get control over.  So there's that.

But as I was sitting outside on this beautiful breezy day, in the shade of my carport after a nice little workout, sifting through 7th grade curriculum (how is that even possible?!) and just looking around me I began welling up with gratitude for all that God has given us.

Given ME!

I look at my Areyna Joy and the tangible joy that she is to be around.  I see her growing beauty into young womanhood. I see her peacemaking spirit in action almost on a daily basis.  I see her confidence in who she is in Christ.  Can I just stop and say how special it is to see her activity on the Bible App that we share and how she is getting in the word all on her own now!

I see Zeke and how far he has come over the past few years.  I remember the feelings of that difficult season with him so clearly but can hardly remember him being in such a difficult spot.  I see his sensitivity and compassion.  I see his creativity and leadership qualities growing.  And the difficulties that come with an artistic kid like Zeke, who thinks outside the box, quickly becomes overshadowed by the positive qualities that accompany those exact same qualities.

My "mama bear" came out on behalf of my Alethia Grace this weekend!  If you are not an adoptive mama you may not understand the magnitude of this, but the bonding process is most definitely a process.  You might move forward a step but moments later fall back 10...but I feel like this past weekend was a stride in this mama's heart in my relationship with her.  I have also seen her grow in so many emotional areas throughout this past year that I thought may never improve.

Cai brings the laughter that this Colony so desperately needs!  His giggle, his jokes, his daily random facts, his artistic ability to create something from nothing...he is loud and overly inappropriate with bathroom humor to be sure, but man I love this kid (and the fact that he STILL lets me nibble those chubby cheeks!).

Jude, oh Jude...so extra, so sassy, so confident, so persistent. JUST. SO. MUCH.  This kid is smart as a whip though.  And when he is sweet, MAN he's sweet.  He is an all or nothing kid.  Determined to the core (unless he is tired...or hungry, ha).  If he can't figure something out he'll keep trying until he does.  Again, so many good qualities can and will come with his fire cracker personality.

What a blessing to be able to stay home and just be mom.  I don't take it for granted...well, actually I do sometimes, but I am so very grateful for this opportunity.  We may not have much wiggle room in the bank account because of this choice, but God NEVER ceases to amaze us with his provision, and over abundance that he lavishes on our family.  From clothing, to food, to toys for the kids, activities for our family to do, childcare for dates, a beautiful safe home to open up to anyone and everyone.  I don't even have to apologize for the bathroom issues anymore!

My husband loves and follows hard after Jesus and is so in tune with the Holy Spirit that he makes submission easy.  Not perfect by any means, but he is humble and teachable and growing into such a sexy leader;)  He loves me and the kids well.  We are learning to fight fair and not hold things in.  We have committed to learn from our own mistakes and poor choices, as well as other people's.  And we wholeheartedly believe that we are not exempt from any temptation, meaning we are continually reevaluating and praying that we will be aware of the enemies tactics.  We are learning to say "no" and all the freedom that comes along with healthy boundaries for our family and ministry.

Our life is not perfect.  Kids disobey.  Appliances break. Bank accounts are depleted. We hurt each others feelings.  Relationships waver.  People disappoint.  Difficult seasons with friends, and each other, come in tidal waves...

But God...

He is so good, and so patient.  He is always waiting for our repentance so that he can wrap us in grace and help us move forward.  He loves to give good gifts to his children.  And then smiles when we generously give them away.

Life is full of hurt and sin and pain.  But God also allows these glimpses of good to hang on to.  We all get them, we just have to be willing to see them.  Contentment. And today I see it and I praise His Name, Jesus, the only one worthy of that name, for it ALL.

Within These Four Walls

the sump pump is in the far left corner, ha!

Some days I feel like I am just waiting for something to happen.
Waiting for some kind of event to make my day worth talking about when my husband comes home.
I'll feel like I need some kind of photo or story to share at the end of the day to prove my effectiveness, productivity and embarrassingly enough as it is to actually write, my own disciple-making worth.

Sometimes this feeling is a strong desire for some adventure.
Something, anything, outside of the ordinary rhythm of my life.

Sometimes, like today, I pray hard for an opportunity to share Him with someone.  To be able to have a gospel conversation with someone.  The desire runs so deep that it literally feels like it's about to explode out of my chest!

Often I'll get to the end of these kinds of days wondering if I failed to be all that God wanted me to be that day or if, in fact, I could be right where I'm supposed to be, even without a spectacular story to tell for that day.

Today I stopped and really thought about it,
because sometimes I'm a slow learner and even if I grasp my true identity and purpose in Christ one day it might escape me the next.  So I have to continually realign my focus on Him and fight the lie that I don't measure up.

Every.Single.Day.

I don't have any amazing stories to tell or drama happening in my life today.

Actually, I did have to scale the basement walls to get to the sump pump on the other side of the house to trigger it on since the 4 feet of standing water from the endless days of pouring rain wasn't going ANYWHERE on its own.  This could technically be considered an adventure (and the longest run-on sentence ever), but since I only ALMOST fell in it doesn't count, ha!  (a big shout out to my eldest daughter for pulling me up the steps)

I haven't even had the chance to have any gospel conversations outside of these four walls...but if I am being the mom I am called to be then I should be living out gospel conversations within these four walls every.single.day. Even on the days where life doesn't allow me to leave the house.

These conversations happen with my husband (because a marriage needs continuous gospel conversations to stay focused on the only one who can hold two drastically different sinners together),

with the kids whom God has given me (because parenting is a non-stop conversation toward the reconciliation, truth, patience and heart change that ONLY God can provide),

with my kid's friends that come over before school for a ride, and after school to play, or during school for playdates or babysitting,

with the mail lady who brings packages from Amazon to my door every day,

all the other ladies who walk in these doors who need to talk, vent, ask questions or advice or just walk a couple of laps around the property,

and then there are the texts, phone calls and emails that go back and forth all day long with people all over the world.

Our home has a continuous flow of traffic from all walks of life.
This is the life God has called me to.
And I want to obediently steward it well.
This is my adventure!

I am learning, ever so slowly, that He never wanted us to separate ministry and life. Ministry and family. Ministry and normal routines.  It all beautifully tangles together.  And we can either allow God to use our every day for His purposes or sit on the sidelines just waiting.