Not Me Monday

Josh and I had to make an unexpected trip to Durham last week.

It's a good thing I'm always prepared 

because the events that ensued needed a momma 

who could act fast in moments of crisis!

First of all, I'd never agree to go run an errand at dinner time!

That's just asking for meltdowns.

And since this unexpected trip didn't take longer than expected (ha!)

I would never try to keep the peace in the backseat by shoveling

an obscene amount of pretzels in the mouths of my children.

Nope, not me!  

I never use food as a distraction tactic!

After our short trip that did NOT occur right at dinner time 

I'd never suggest just going out to eat.

Especially after finding out that the restaurant 

no longer feeds kids for FREE!

That's just lazy!  And not only that,

it's not being a good steward of our money.

I always use coupons or get a deal.

I'd never succumb to the temptation

to pay full price for a meal out of convenience!

Not Me!

And since we didn't go out to eat and pay full price for a meal...

I'd never throw my armload of pocket books and diaper bags

 toward my kids and run to the bathroom 

as soon as we got inside 

because I was about to pee in my pants.

Not this momma!

I always lead by example and 

go to the bathroom before leaving home!

And since we're talking about going to the bathroom...

I'd like to point out that 

I always take precautionary measures 

when my 1-year-old starts pooping out of his diaper in a restaurant!

So, when I spot the oozing brown stuff coming out of his diaper,

in the restaurant that we didn't go to,

I would never look around to see who's looking,

wipe up the evidence with a napkin,

and take off running to the car...

to find out that I only had two baby wipes

and this was CLEARLY a 10 wipe mess!

(did I mention that if this DID ever happen to me,

I'd find a restaurant with a bathroom with sinks that actually worked!)

No way, not me!

And because this never happened 

I would not climb in the car to head home 

and 5 minutes down the road 

realize that I had baby crap all over my pants from my quick escape!

Because, if this happened, 

I'd have to ride down the interstate 

with my pants off

because it was getting crap everywhere!

And then, if we got stuck in traffic because of an accident

we'd be stuck in a stand-still on the interstate

with people right next to us looking in...

That would NEVER happen to this always-put-together girl!

It's a good thing we are so aware of germs 

and things of that nature,

because my daughter would never pick her nose!

But if she did, I'd never make her just hold her finger in the air 

until we got home

because we were out of tissues in the car.

That's just mean!

But if we finally found a candy wrapper in our car

for her to put that nasty boogie in, I'd never tell her 

to just throw it on the floor with the rest of the crap...literally.

Oh, we're still talking about going to the bathroom?

Good, because I have one more thing to say!

If our kids have to pee while we're traveling,

we always stop right away and find a bathroom.

Even if we're stuck in traffic, on the interstate,

with our crappy pants off!

I'd never make my son drop his pants in the car

and pee in my daughters Tinkerbell water bottle...

especially if she were about to cry because there was about to be

pee in her favorite cup!

Nope, not me!

I'm way more sensitive than that!

Sheesh...I'm glad that night NEVER happened to me!

Just like these things NEVER happened to these other people:)