It was one of those rehearsals. Because of some previous worship experiences I still battle feelings of insecurity and self-consciousness when I'm playing. I know, get over it already, but it's just not that easy. Music is very personal. It's such a big part of who I am. I mean, come on, I've been playing for 27 years! I studied it in college so I could get better and now I have chosen to make it my career.
So, sometimes those memories come back and haunt me and I get nervous that I'm going to play when I'm not supposed to or that I'm going to hit a note that's out of tune or just plain wrong.
So, like I said before, this was one of those instances.
We were about half way through rehearsal and I was just feeling the song out and as the song was building I was changing octaves and playing stronger, this is typical build for a violinist, by the way. But for this particular song it just didn't sound right. And Josh was the second one (yeah, I knew it deep down, but was still figuring out what I should play) to hear it.
He came over to me and said, "babe, uh, do you think you could find something else to play right there? That note is just kind of ... well... ummm, cheesy."
Wow! My own husband just told me that I sounded cheesy. I just made light of it and laughed it off saying "Oh yeah, sure. hahaha", while deep down inside I was crushed. When you are playing an instrument or singing it is like bearing your soul to the world and when someone offers criticism, no matter how constructive, it hurts.
But then you suck it up. Yup, that's what you have to do when you want to get better. When you submit to the authority, even if that authority did happen to be my husband that day. You change your perspective.
If you read back through this post there are a lot of "I" and "me"s in there. This is what makes leading worship SO difficult. It isn't about US at all! It's about bringing Christ all the glory and making HIM the focus. It's about refining each other to take away any distraction that will cause people to look at us instead of worshiping their Maker.
I am grateful for those moments of refocus. I am grateful for a husband who is a wonderful leader and sensitive to all these things, yet makes the initiative to help us eliminate distraction. I am grateful for a church that offers constructive criticism to us sensitive people in a graceful way. I am grateful for serving with a team that "get's it". You know, the part about sharpening ourselves to make the big picture better!