I was really wrestling with God a few weeks ago, over some things.
It was beginning to weigh me down and affect multiple areas of my life.
I've said many times that one way I process is through writing. That's why so many of my blog posts are simply my written thoughts.
I finally realized that maybe if I could write all the things down that were stirring around in my head that I could make some sense of it all, and get to the bottom of it.
I began writing.
It ended up turning into pages of confession to God.
It was weird though. You know when you are asked a personal question and you are left with the choice of answering the way you WISH you would be or respond, or with the ACTUAL way you typically are or respond. That's where I stood.
I was about a paragraph of the way into my "confession" time and I realized that I wasn't even being honest! I was writing the right "Christian" things but at the same time it wasn't the TRUE things.
I was just going through the motions instead of allowing my heart to be completely broken open and exposed.
I really did want God to change my heart.
I really did want God to show me my faults.
But it came down to gut-wrenching honesty.
I would write: "God, maybe it's because I might be a little sad that __________", instead of "Gosh, I'm downright jealous that I don't get to _____________" or "it makes me so mad when _______________".
I was holding back my true feelings as if it would protect me from something.
Finally, something got ahold of me and I stopped writing. I began to read over what I had been writing and realized what I was doing. That paragraph was wrapped in denial, self-pity and rationalized thinking. Those things were going to get me NOWHERE!
All of a sudden I felt free!
Free to write EXACTLY how I was feeling.
Free to expose my heart in order to receive true transformation.
Free to be who I really was.
And that freedom turned into true confession which cultivated a soft heart which was necessary for the healing and change I needed to get past it all.
God sees through it all, and until we are willing to lay it all out there and expose ourselves for who we really are, change will only be surface and temporary.
So stop wasting your time!
Say what you mean to say from the beginning.