Tuesday, August 28, 2018

19 Simple Steps To Ensure You Never Have To Pay For A Vacuum Cleaner Again

Caption SHOULD read, "Never Loses Suction...Until It Does"

1 - Have 5 dirty children (but really, any children will do)

2 - Accumulate more pets than you can count (Seriously ya'll, Josh had a dad approach him at our soccer practice the other week who said, "I see ya'll have a lot of pets at your house.  You want a couple of bunnies?")

3 - Mandate an open door policy so that you always have other people in and out (preferably ones that come with small children that can help the process)

4 - Make sure you purchase an old home with layers of filth and dust underneath your current carpeted flooring

***Steps 1-4 are only needed to ensure the overuse of your current vacuum cleaner***

NOTE - Bypass Steps 1 -4 if you are one of those rare people that actually cleans on a schedule whether your house actually needs it or not.  Personally I prefer steps 1-4, but you do you.

5 - Begin cycling through vacuum cleaners on a 6-9 month basis, no matter how hard you try to maintain them, because they CAN.NOT.KEEP.UP.WITH.THE.FILTH.

6 - Voice your frustration about how society doesn't make things the way they used to anymore (My parents got a toaster for their wedding and it lasted for DECADES ya'll! I can't even imagine!)

7 - Then mention that you are going to have to shell out a bunch of money...AGAIN... because steps 1-4 require them

8 - Surround yourself with friends in your life who can speak truth and hope in such times of need

9 - Adhere to her advice immediately by scouring Bed, Bath and Beyond coupons for the best vacuum cleaner deal you can find

10 - Purchase the beautiful machine and save the receipt and box in a safe place (because we KNOW we are going to need it in a few months)

11 - Use the vacuum cleaner as seen in previous steps

12 - Wait for the clean smell of a freshly vacuumed room to be replaced by that burned plastic/rubber smell that no candle or oil diffuser can stand against

13 - Pray that you can at LEAST get the dog hair up from the living room before your small group comes in the door

14 - Keep praying that prayer for another week or so until the vacuum cleaner begins spitting out its contents in defiance as you quietly curse at it under your breathe. (I guess I can't blame it. It has worked a long hard 4 months and 23 days *insert eye roll*)

15 - Turn your frown upside down as you walk to your shed to pull out the box and receipt.

16 - Walk into Bed, Bath and Beyond with your head held high because today is YOUR day!  It is the day you get a BRAND NEW VACUUM CLEANER FOR FREE!

17 - But don't walk out of there without your new receipt that you are going to need in another few months to repeat these steps

18 - Return home and unpackaged that brand new vacuum cleaner and realize that you probably should have returned your other one weeks ago because you really shouldn't have to empty the container 4 times with one vacuuming that was JUST completed with your other vacuum cleaner!

19 - Let your heart be happy as you make those fresh vacuum lines in your carpet once again

People, THIS is why we need each other!

NOTE - This system will work with anything you purchase from Bed, Bath and Beyond.  In fact, I texted my friend to thank her for telling me about this and she said she is just WAITING for her Vitamix to go so she can take it back and get a new one, lol. This same friend also upgrades her vacuum cleaner by paying the difference on her returned broken vacuum cleaner!  I mean, do I have brilliant friends or what?! They have a "no questions asked" return policy.  Who knew?!  Well, now YOU do.  You're welcome!
     
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