Monday, August 3, 2015

The Colony Goes To A Wedding


***The following events are inspired by a (embarrassingly, yet humbling and comical) true story***

Once upon a time there was a Colony of seven who lived in a Colony house in a Colony town called Rolesville.

One day the Colony of seven was invited to a wedding.

Typically the Colony mom and dad would attend these kinds of events by themselves because the 5 little Colony children could get a little rambunctious (obnoxious).  But not this time.  The bride-to-be had reiterated her desire for the entire Colony to attend.

So after a morning of doing what Colony members do on beautiful Saturday mornings before weddings (fight over toys, being overly touchy with each other, and arguing over who gets to use the orange spoon) they happily (irritatingly) climbed in the carriage (car) to head to the event.

Upon their arrival, the escorts for the guests guided the Colony right to their designated table (because our family size NEVER makes people scramble to find a large enough table to fit all of us).

The kids quietly found their seats and settled in as they anxiously awaited the brides entrance.

It didn't take long (2.3 seconds) before the Colony kids simultaneously noticed the shiny little diamond/crystal table decorations which they all wanted to claim as their own.  After what seemed like forever to the Colony mom witnessing the events that were unfolding before her eyes, the crystals began taking over the Colony kid's personalities and turning them into greedy little me monsters who could only survive if THEY were the ones with the MOST shiny little diamond/crystal table decorations.  The effect of these shiny little objects became so severe that the Colony kids remained in their hypnotic grasp until the family left the premises at the end of the wedding.

Colony Mom and Dad got into a groove of shiny little diamond/crystal table decoration control pretty quickly, but somehow the attention shifted to the candles on the table next to the beautiful lantern with the door that opens and closes...with a little creak.  And wouldn't you know that this little lantern makes the perfect home for the shiny little diamond/crystal table decorations.

Finally, it was time for the processional.
The music began and the gazes moved toward the door where the beautiful people waltzed into place.

Which seemed to be the PERFECT time for Jude (the youngest Colony member) to pull out his Little Tykes plastic hammer to ("hammo da taboe") fix the table.  Thankfully, Colony Mom is trained for things like this and quickly confiscated the hammer and diverted his attention to the multiple other kitchen utensils and random household items Jude had managed to sneak into his little backpack.

Somehow the Colony made it farther into the ceremony without any major instances than Colony Mom and Colony Dad had ever anticipated.  In fact, they made it all the way to the vows.  You know, the part in the wedding where the bride and groom exchange sweet words of love and affirmation to each other.

When all of a sudden...
...Cai, the middle Colony son, blew his party horn (because somehow Colony mom missed the 4 party horns in his carry-on, during the security screening?!) with great gusto!

Colony Dad immediately jumped out of his seat and (furiously scrambled) calmly made his way to the other side of the table to take care of the "celebration" taking place by his son.

Not five minutes later, Zeke, the eldest Colony son, who was actually heavily enamored by the wedding activities on stage, somehow flipped over backwards out of his chair onto the floor.

But what could Colony Mom and Dad do?  They had already committed and were deep into the ceremony by now.  Besides there had been lots of talk about the snacks, food and CAKE that would take place after the ceremony.  And who can pass up those yummy treats?!

So, they dug in their heals, put on their happy faces (Colony mom and Colony dad had actually resigned themselves to laughing hysterically inside because, really, what else could they do?), and carried on.

And, as if one child flipping backwards in his seat weren't enough, the Colony decided that another one would be most appropriate.  So Cai took the responsibility upon himself, quickly exclaiming that he wasn't hurt (because that's certainly what we were worried about).

So they made it through the ceremony (with only a few more yells in frustration by Jude over toys that wouldn't cooperate) and gladly made their way through the hors d'oeuvrves line to grab a snack while they waited for the dinner to begin.  And wouldn't you know they piled their plates so high that they could hardly carry them.  Most of them waded through the crowd gracefully enough, except for Zeke, who had stacked multiple plates on top of each other and upon turning away from the table, ran into someone/something (we are never really sure what happens most of the time) and the stacked multiple plates came crashing down onto the floor, resulting in a little commotion (He doesn't like germs.  He loves food. He's highly emotional.  That's all you need to know).

It's a good thing Colony Dad is on staff at the wedding site and knows the location of all cleaning supplies because they definitely came in handy during the rest of the evening.

Colony Mom and Dad were getting a little antsy to get into the dinner area to sit this crew down because the Colony kids are so used to ruling the lobby area when daddy is working that they had a hard time staying contained in a small area.

Colony mom decided she just needed to sit down and take a breather.  But as soon as she got comfortable she noticed the Colony girls over by the lemonade fountain throwing back shots with the little cups designated for rice throwing (and they were going back for more cups).  And you KNOW as soon as the boys saw the little cups they wanted one and then it was on.  Could Colony mom reach the rice table before the boys?  She quickly jumped up, hurdled the trash can and saved the rice cups, but caused some major meltdowns by the Colony boys who wanted the little cups because "the girls have them!".

They were all beginning to feel a little defeated when the magical doors opened announcing that it was time for dinner.

All the rest of the events were poorly documented due to exhausted Colony parents and another foot race to the cake table with the highly desired Batman Grooms cake.  Colony mom BARELY made it to the table before the kids sliced themselves their own piece of wedding cake.

Dinner was almost over and Colony mom and Colony dad were anxiously awaiting the cutting of the cake so they could get these kids out of there ("Cut the freaking cake already!"-Colony Dad).

Soon after, the waitresses began passing out fancy little champagne glasses full of fancy sparkling cider for what Colony mom could only imagine was for a toast after the cake was cut (SPOILER-they didn't make it that far).  It wasn't long before the kids realized the bottoms of the (plastic) glasses came off and then the first spill happened.

Colony Dad runs off to the cleaning supply closet (again) and returned with a (HUGE) box of paper towels (you can never be TOO prepared).  And it's a good thing he did because we ended up cleaning 3 more spills.  But the moment was redeemed when Colony Cai notices the shiny knife come out to cut the cake and decided to announce to EVERYONE, "Guys, they're cutting the cake!!!!"

The cake.  The much awaited, mouth watering cake they have been looking forward to all day.
And then to see that one of them was a BATMAN cake?!
It is everything they had ever wanted!
(because it really IS all about the Colony kids)

There were 3 flavors to choose from and Zeke was NOT keen on his first choice.
While Colony Dad calmed him down and redirected him to the other choices, Colony Mom hears a muffled cry.  That very quickly turned into an angry wail.

Cai does NOT like his cake.
And refuses to try another flavor.
He wanted the Batman cake.
The Batman cake was NOT an option.
And is now demanding ice cream.

Um...there is NOT ice cream at this wedding.

Colony Mom and Colony Dad catch eyes and hastily agree that it was time to call it quits.  They swept their area clean, grab the (screaming and crying) Colony kids, smile and wave their goodbye's...nope, I don't think they even did that...and piled in the car.

They sighed a huge sigh of relief, laughed a big laugh, and drove home.
Crying kids and all.
And wouldn't you know, it was bedtime when they arrived home.

That evening Colony Mom and Colony Dad decided never to take the Colony to a wedding EVER again.

~The End~

P.S. The Colony parents were later told that their children made for great comic relief.
Yup, that's what they were going for all along.
We'll go with that, ha!
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