Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Looking Back

My stomach is in knots.

From excitement for sure, but mostly because of the unknown that awaits us.

Our lives are about to forever change.

I check the luggage again.

Check a few more things off of my list.

Try to keep all my kids' "stuff" together for the flight.  (Why is it that sippy cups are always around when you don't need them, but as soon as you are ready to walk out the door it's as if they have grown legs and disappeared!)

Weigh the luggage again.

Sit.

Think.

Worry (just a little;).

Nauseous.

Is it the pregnancy?  Possibly.

It's the unknown again.

It's the built-up excitement.

It's the overwhelming thought of having 3 children in the air with us for hours on end.

It's the overwhelming realization that we are going to be going from 3 to 4 in just a matter of time now...and then from 4 to 5 shortly after...WHAT WAS GOD THINKING?!

Then the questions start circulating.

Will she be scared?

Will she scream to go back to the familiar arms of the Aunties who have loved her since she was just a few months old?

Will she beg to be placed back in her familiar bed, in a crammed room with dozens of other children, instead of her cot next to her new sister?

Will she want to call me mommy?

This is going to be GREAT!

Finally, on our way!

It seems as though we've been waiting forever!

All the other stories I've read have the families home within 5-6 weeks.

I can TOTALLY do this!

Oh gosh...nauseous...

I can't do this!

Check the list again.

Check the luggage again.

Sit.

Adoption is such a foreign, strange, beautiful thing.

Adoption.

She isn't ours.  She WILL BE ours.  She IS ours.

What if I accidentally make her feel singled out because I'm loving on her too much?  What will the other kids think?  What if I don't love her enough?  How DO you love a child who wasn't with you and then IS...

Only three more hours until we leave for the airport.

Repeat above scenario a half-dozen more times...

October 2010

Up until now this is all I've known.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

But now...
Summer 2012

now I know SO MUCH MORE!

I know her favorite color is orange.
I know that she wants LONG hair.
I know she loves high heels.
I know that everything in her past happened "last night".
I know that when she says "another one" it comes out as "zchuwuzchuone" and it is the CUTEST thing ever!
I know she loves to be the one in charge during imaginative play.  Her siblings have deemed her queen of the fairies and can make (or NOT make) any one of them a fairy at any given time.
I know she is dangerously allergic to fire ants.
I know she doesn't like carrots.
I know she loves to be read to.
I know that she adores her big sister, handles her oldest brother, plays so sweet with her middle brother and absolutely LOVES her baby brother.
I know she can buckle herself into her car seat...when she wants to, ha!
I know she has a hefty set of lungs!:)

I know lots of things about my girl.  MY girl.

As I think back about all the uncertainty that awaited us this day last year I still get butterflies of nervousness in my stomach.  I get that tinge of desperation in my gut.  I get those feelings of inadequacy swimming around in my head.

If only I would have known then what I know now.  The process, the set backs, the seemingly impossible...but would I really be where I am now?

I'm just warning you, there are probably going to be lots of posts like this one.  The past few weeks have been very emotional for me.  Partly because I feel as though I am living it all over again as we wait not-so-patiently to bring your friend/cousin home.  Thinking back.  A lot of "this time last year"s.  And they are just beginning.

But without the "this time last year"s we couldn't have the NOW!

And the NOW is what I am SO grateful for, today!



Alethia,
We are no longer "on our way to bringing you home".  You ARE home, baby!
Love forever and always,
Mommy
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